Joke 446

A pivot table walks in to a bar and orders a beer. It says, “Put me in the same tab, will ya?”
A slicer and pivot chart walk in to a bar. The bartender says, “look at those bast*rds, walking around with out a pivot!”.
Once Excel, Access and Windows were bragging to each other. Excel says, “I once crashed so hard, it took 5 minutes to recover”. 
Access says, “Oh thats nothing. I once crashed and took down an entire database. It took them 30 minutes to recover”. 
Windows doesn’t say anything. Excel pokes him in the arm asks “what about you?”, Windows jolts & replies, 
“Sorry, what did you say? I just crashed again.”

Joke 445

Question: A person who speaks three languages is called „trilingual“. And a person, who speaks two languages is called „bilingual“. What do you call a person, who only speaks one language? Answer: American!

Joke 444

A passengertrain is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor outside. „What's going on?“ she yells out the window. „Cow on the track!“ replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow place. Within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor again. She leans out the window an yells: „What happened“ Did we catch up with the cow again?“

Joke 443

A woman patient had been going to a psychiatrist for three years. Finally, at the end of a visit, the doctor said: „It is my pleasure to pronounce you completely cured.“ An unhappy expression came over the woman's face. „What's wrong?“ asked the doctor „I thought you'd be greatly pleased.“ „That's what you thought“she said „But look at it from my point of view, three years ago, I was Joan of Arc, now I'm nobody.“

Joke 442

On a transatlantik flight, a priest finds himself seated next to a rabbi. They start talking and become quite friendly. After a while the priest says to the rabbi: „Have you ever eaten a ham sandwich?“ The rabbi confesses that he did indeed once eat a ham sandwich. he then says to the priest: „Father, you ever had sex with a woman?“The priest confesses that he has. „Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?“ says the rabbi.

Joke 441

A woman, who played cards one night a month with a couple of friends, was concerned, that she always woke up her husband, when she came home around 1:30 at night. One night she tried not to rouse him. She undressed in the livingroom and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude in the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. „Damm woman!“ he exclaimed. „Did you lose everything?“

Joke 440

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for 600 Dollar. The doctor exclaimed: „This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!“ The plumber: „Neither did I when I was a doctor.“

Joke 439

A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian, where the self-help books were. She replied: „If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.“

Joke 438

Rebbe, I don't understand, if you go to a poor man, he is friendly and offers help. But if you go to a rich man, he doesn't even look at you. What is it with all that money?“ The Rabbi said: „Go to the window. What do you see?“ „I see a woman with a child. And a barrow on the way to the market.“ „Well, and now go to the mirror, what do you see?“ „Nu, Rebbe, what am I gonna see? Myself.“ „Now you see, the window is made out of glass, and the mirrow is made out of glass. It needs just a bit of silver behind it, and then you only see your own face.“

Joke 437

There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided. They groped their way out of their cars and approached each other. „I had right of way!“ said the first. „Possibly, but it doesn't matter,“ replied the other, „We are in my garage.“ Joke 436

Joke 436

My mother in law said: When you're dead, i'll dance on your grave.“ „Good“, I said, „I'm going to make sure I'm buried at sea.“

Joke 435

My mother in law said: "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." "Good", I said, "I'm going to make sure I'm buried at sea."

Joke 434

Teacher on a parents-evening: „I will now explain the progressive techniques of motivation by which children are taught - please keep quiet, sit up straight and don't fidget.“

Joke 433

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Joke 432

Asked what he thought about heaven and hell, Mark Twain replied: „I don't want to express an opinion, because I have friends in both places.“

Joke 431

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

Joke 430

„Congratulations Harry,“said the bridgegroom's uncle. „I'm sure, you'll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life.“„But I'm not getting married until tomorrow,“ replied Harry. „I know, I know, replied his uncle.

Joke 429

One day around ten o'clock in the morning as the boss arrived at the barber's, he saw his bookkeeper aitting there. „What, you're having a haircut during your work time?“ „Well“, the bookkeeper replied, „My hair was growing during work time as well.“

Joke 428

A merchant from Genoa had to go to a business trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him about the sentence by email. After the trial his solicitor sent a mail: „Justice has triumphed.“ Right away he got a response: „Appeal immediately.“

Joke 427

Two old hippies arrange to meet each other. „So, are we going to meet tomorrow?“„Yeah“ „Where?“ „Wherever you want to.“ „And when?“ „Makes no difference to me.“ „Ok. But please, be on time.“

Joke 426

A woman browsing though an antique store, sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer. She recognizes the saucer as a rare antique piece. Trying to be clever, she says to the lady running the store: How much do you want for the cat?“ The woman says: “Ten pounds.“ The buyer goes on: While I'm at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer?“ The cat seems to enjoy drinking from it.“ The shopkeeper shakes her head: Sorry, but so far I've sold nineteen cats from that one saucer.“

Joke 425

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Joke 424

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your children says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Joke 423

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Joke 422

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Joke 421

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Joke 420

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her breasts went!

Joke 419

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Joke 418

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Joke 417

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.

Joke 416

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! “Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Joke 415

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof-and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated CHRISTIAN FISH EMBLEM on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Joke 414

Leather... When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally... Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new car.

Joke 413

Dramatic new health discovery! The japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. On the other hand, the french eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. Conclusion: eat and drink what you like. It's speaking english that kills you!

Joke 412

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read " William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case.

Joke 411

A woman used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"

Joke 410

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the a campsite. Four children jumped from the car and began to feverishly unload the gear and set up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some extraordinary display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Joke 409

A woman used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"

Joke 408

Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. However, three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Joke 407

The chaplain in a university residence hall, was supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a little kitten adopted him. The freshmen in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for him by calling his kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room. One morning he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" He explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," he told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

Joke 406

A nun and a priest are driving through the country on their way to an event. The nun has had quite a lot of water to drink on the drive and can't hold it much longer. They are both getting hungry as well so they stop at a 'hooters' which happens to be the only restaurant for miles, to get a bite to eat. As they are waiting to be seated the lights go off for a second and then turn back on and everyone erupts in laughter and applause. The nun and priest are confused but disregard it anyways. The nun asks the hostess where the washroom is and is directed where to go. “I must warn you though,” says the hostess, “there is a statue of a naked man in our washroom, though there is a leaf covering his private parts.” The nun assures the hostess that she will be fine as she will just advert her eyes. The nun goes to the washroom and comes back out a couple minutes later to the entire restaurants applause. Confused she asks the waitress, why the applause. The waitress replies: “Everytime someone lifts the leaf on the naked man in the womens washroom, the lights go out.”

Joke 405

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Joke 404

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Joke 403

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George W. Bush in the Oval Office. “Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilians were killed in Iraq today.” Bush buries his face in his hands, muttering “My God…My God”. “Mr. President,”says Rumsfeld, “we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?” Bush: ”Exactly how many is a Brazilian?”

Joke 402

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,"We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!!"

Joke 401

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

Joke 400

One day a young programmer is walking to work, when a frog on the side of the road starts to talk to him. “Young man, come and kiss me, and I will turn into a beautiful princess!” The young man stops and looks curiously at the frog, then picks it up and puts it into his pocket, and continues to walk to work. From his pocket, the frog says, “Hey, didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and love you forever!” The man takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it and says, “Look, I'm a developer. I don't have time for a girlfriend - but a talking frog, that's cool.”

Joke 399

There are 2 women: One blonde walked into a bar. The redhair ducked.

Joke 398

A guy is walking past a School for The Mentally Challenged on a hot afternoon. There is a high wooden fence between him and the yard, and he can hear children's voices chanting, “Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!” As he walks, the chanting continues, but up ahead, he spots a knothole in the fence. Curious as to what the kids are doing, he peeks through the hole in the fence. Before he can jump back, a finger pokes him in the eye. After several seconds of laughter, the chant begins again…“Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!”

Joke 397

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper responds, “You have a drink named Jim?”

Joke 396

So the hot dog vendor hands the buddhist a hot dog, and the buddhist gives the man a twenty dollar bill. The vendor says 'thanks' and the buddhist asks “where's my change?” To which the vendor responded “Change must come from within.”

Joke 395

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” To this the entire congregation said, “Amen.”

Joke 394

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they don't believe anyone can see the light anyway.

Joke 393

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says again: „Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money.”

Joke 392    

I was wondering why the football was getting bigger… And then it hit me. … Dieser Witz funktioniert aufgrund eines Wortspiels: „something hitting someone“ = jemand begreift etwas...

Joke 391

An old cowboy was sitting at a bar, when a young lady walked up beside him and asked him if he was a cowboy. The old timer said “let's see.”" I wake up in the morning and put on my boot's and hat, I climb up on my horse and ride from sun up to sundown roping and rounding up cattle. I also mend fences and dig out water holes so, yup, I guess I am a cowboy.” He looks over at the little lady and asks what she is. She says: „Well, I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning I think about women, all during the day I think about women, at supper I think about women when I go to bed I think about women. So that is what I am a Lesbian. Five minutes later another lady came into the bar and asked the old cowboy the same question. He said “up until five minutes ago I would have said yes, but meanwhile I found out, I am a lesbian.”

Joke 390

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead run into a barn to hide from kidnappers. They find three large, empty brown sacks on the floor, and before the kidnappers could enter the barn after them, they each hid in one of those sacks. The kidnappers, finding the three squirming sacks suspicious, went up to the sack containing the brunette and kicked it. “Meow!” said the brunette. “That's just a sack full of kittens,” said one kidnapper dismissively, and they moved on to the sack containing the redhead. They kicked the sack. “Woof, woof!” said the redhead. - “That's just a sack full of puppies,” said the other kidnapper, and they moved on to the sack containing the blonde. They kicked the sack. “Potatoes! Potatatoes” said the blonde.

Joke 389

A Jewish man is troubled, and goes to his Rabbi for advice. “Rabbi, my son lived abroad for some time and came back a Christian.” Said the Rabbi: “Funny you should say that, my son went to college and he, too, came back a Christian. Why don't we ask God?” As they are praying, they hear God answer: “Funny you should say that but my son also …”

Joke 388

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me.... they're cramming for their final exam.

Joke 387

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice: “Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.” A shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Joke 386

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” - “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” - “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

Joke 385

A rich man is on his deathbed and fears going to hell. He calls his assistant and instructs him, “Give twenty dollars to charity in my name.” He then dies and appears at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks him “What have you ever done that merits your entrance into heaven?” Shakily, the man replies, “I gave twenty dollars to charity.” Peter shakes his head and responds, “Let me go ask the Boss about this one.” After a short time, he returns, and the rich man asks, “What did He say?” Peter relplies, “He said, 'Return his twenty dollars and tell him to go to hell.'”

Joke 384

A man goes to see his doctor, because he thinks, that his wife is going deaf. The doctor says: „Well, here's how you can test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her, and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to find out, just how bad her hearing is“. The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says: „Darling, what's for dinner?“ He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. „Darling, what's for dinner?“ Still no answer. He repeats this serveral times, until he's standing almost next to her. Finally, she answers: „For the tenth time, I said we're having CURRY!“

Joke 383

My kids love surfing the web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on a Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was „MickyMinniGoofyPluto“, and so I asked, why it was so long. „Because“ they explained „They say it has to have at least four characters“. FALLS SIE SICH WUNDERN: Characters bedeutet sowohl „Zeichen“ oder „Buchstaben“ als auch „Figuren“ bzw. „Charaktere“

Joke 382

The average man's life consists of 20 years of having his mother ask him, where he is going; 40 years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder...

Joke 381

There was life, before the computer. I remember the days when: An application was what you wrote, to get a job. A program was something an TV. A cursor was somebody, who swore a lot. A keyboard was something, you could play. Memory was something, that you lost with age. If you had broken disc, you couldn't work for weeks. Compress was something, you did rubbish, not to a file. And if you unzipped anything in a public, you'd be in jail for a while! IF YOU WANT TO COMPAIR: Computer-Begriffe: application= Anwendung, program= Programm, cursor= (Maus-)ZEIGER-Ikon auf Bildschirm, keyboard= Tastatur, memory= Speicher, disc= Diskette, to compress= komprimieren, to unzip= entzippen.

Joke 380

A man sees a duck walking into a bar. Curious, he follows. The duck grabs a seat and the bartender walks over. The duck makes some typical duck noises, the bartender nods and brings over a mixed drink, which the duck drinks. The man waves the bartender over, and says “That's amazing! How did you understand what the duck was saying?” The bartender gives a perplexed look: “Quack?”

Joke 379

Five Belgiens in a Audi Quattro arrive at the French boarder. A French customs officer stops them and says: „Quattro means four. There are too many people in this car. One of you has to get out“. „Quattro is just the name of the car, for goodness sake“ replies the driver. „Look, everybody knows, that the car is designed to carry five people. If you don't believe me, call your boss“. „He can't come right now“ says the customs officer. „He's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno“.

Joke 378

BIRTHDAY SURPRISE The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Joke 377

In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." Author Unknown

Joke 376

A burglar has just broken into a house, he's intending to ransack, and he's looking round for things to steal. Suddenly a little voice pipes up: „I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ Startled, the burglar looks around the room , but there's no one there at all, so he goes back to his business. But again the voice says: „I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ The burglar jumps up again, and takes a closer look around the room. Sure enough, in the corner by the window, almost obscured by the curtains, is a cage with a parrot in it, who pipes up again: I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ „And what of it?“ says the burglar, „you're only a bird!“ To which the parrot replies: „Maybe, but Jesus is a Pitbull!“

Joke 375

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room an comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says: Take the green pill with a big glas of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glas water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.“ Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: „What's my problem, doc?“The doctor says: „You're not drinking enough water.“

Joke 374

A duckhunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his son out one morning, so that he could witness his skill. After some time, a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," wispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle, there flies a dead duck."

Joke 373

To God I speak Spanish, to woman Italien, to men French and to my horse in German. Emeror Charles V (1500-1558) on European languages

Joke 372

An overweight blonde wants to lose weight, so she consults her doctor for advice. The doctor suggests, that she runs ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promises, would cause her to lose twelve pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and after thirty days, is pleased to find, that she has indeed lost twelve pounds. She phones the doctor and thanks him for his wonderful advice. The doctor says, he would like to see her again that very morning. To wich the blonde replies: „No, that's not going to be possible, I'm now 300 miles away!“

Joke 371

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman have been marooned on a desert island for years, when one day they find a bottle with a genie inside it. The genie grants them with a wish. „I wish I was back in London“ says the Englishman, and in a flash he's gone. „I wish I was back home in Edinburgh“says the Scotsman, and in a flash he's gone. „Oh, it's so lonely here now“ says the Irishman, „I wish, my two mates were still here with me.“

Joke 370

It was announced yesterday, that censors have banned the broadcasting of a tv-show, that claimed to introduce people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. Their reasoning? Too much sax and violins. FÜR ALLE, DIE NOCH NICHT LACHEN KÖNNEN: Es geht um die ähnliche Aussprache von: sex an violence = Sex und Gewalt vs. sax and violins = Saxophon und Violinen

Joke 369

"If you can tell me how many sweets I have in my bag, you can have them both."

Joke 368

A plane is in a heavy thunderstorm. As the passengers are beeing bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turns to a priest, sitting next to her and asks with a nervous laugh: „Father, you're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?“ The priest replies: „Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.“

Joke 367

Jake, the avid golfer, contacts a medium and asks, if there is a golf course in heaven. The medium tells him, that this is a strange request, but she will try to find out, and get back to him in a few days. After several days, Jake gets a call from the medium: „What did you find out?“Jake asks. „Well, I've got good news and bad news for you“ says the medium. „Ok, what's the good news?““That there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in heaven, and you'll have 24-hour access with your own personal caddy“answers the medium. „And the bad news?“„You're due to tee-off at 9:30 on sunday morning!“

Joke 366

Q: What's the main difference between ignorance and cognition? A: I don't know and I don't think you can compare the two!

Joke 365

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman. After several minutes the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought: "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face" The ugly woman thought: "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought: "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

Joke 364

A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief. The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, ten cookies and a glass of milk."

Joke 363

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a man who owns a donkey? A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

Joke 362

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the pub owner is surprised to see the Australian - assumedly dead - walking through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20." - "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?" - "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

Joke 361

Q: Why don't people with Parkinsons drink Cokes at McDonalds? A: They have the shakes instead.

Joke 360

This bloke is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

Joke 359

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture? A: Laywers aren't an endangerd species.

Joke 358

A tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Joke 357

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Who want's to know?

Joke 356

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? You need to know how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . ) (der Satz „soll ich es einloggen?“ heißt drüben „Is that your final answer?“) A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Joke 355

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Joke 354

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?" Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he drowned?"

Joke 353

CHASING RABBITS The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" Author Unknown

Joke 352

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

Joke 351

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: This car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. The driver's license was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

Joke 350

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they knew the correct answers, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. Next Amanpreet came in. The doctor: "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet: "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind." "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "Sure doc, my hat would fall down over my eyes."

Joke 349

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill...“

Joke 348

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Joke 347

One day the Pope came to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive?" The driver thinks, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over. The police are behind us" The Pope, "ahhh, I'm the Pope." So he continues to drive fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says, "sure". The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who, "The President?." "No more important." "The president of another country." "No more important." "An ambassador." "No even more important." "Well who is it." "I don't know, but he is being chauffeured by the Pope."

Joke 346

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Joke 345

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking hair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Joke 344

The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we have these humps? Because in these humps there is water and fat because in the desert we can neither drink nor eat for many days on end. And why do we have fur? Because the dessert the nights are cold and so we don't feel cold. And why do we got these big hoofs? Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot sand. But where is the desert here in the zoo?

Joke 343

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful. "And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!" "Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snaps his fingers and disapperes, and suddenly the whole room ist filled with dugs, a million of them. There is hardly room for the people to breathe any longer. The bar keeper: "But I wated DOLLARS, not dugs" The man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?" 
Habe den Begriff "dugs" nachgeschlagen. er wurde gewählt, weil er wie ein schlampig gespochenes "dollar" klingen kann (= die anlogie zur pointe). also, für alle, die nicht nachschlagen wollen, hier ist die lösung: dug = an udder, breast, or teat of a female animal (Zitze)

Joke 342

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Joke 341

A scientist studied insects. One day, he placed a large locust on his workbench and taught it to jump. He then wrote in his notebook, Locust has learned to jump" The scientist cut off one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he wrote in his note book, locust with three legs, jumps as well as before." The scientist cut of another leg. The scientist cut off one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he jotted down: „Even with two legs it jumped.“ The scientist cut off one more leg. After the experiment he jotted down: „It's only a small jump with one leg...“ The scientist cut off his last leg. an hour later he gave up and wrote in his notebook, locust without legs has gone deaf."

Joke 340

A Glashow wife arrived home from shopping and put six bottles of wisky and one loaf of bread on the table. Her husband saw this and shouted at her angrily: „What in the Lord's name did you bring all the bread for, woman?“

Joke 339

Scotland Do you know how the Grand Canyon came about? A Scotsman lost a sixpence.

Joke 338

Italy A Texan, on holiday in Italy, is trying to impress his host. He brags about everything imaginable - the size of the vegetables, the size of the cattle, the size of the eatates and finally, since his listener is still totally unimpressed, the size of Texas. „You know,“ he says, „you can get on a train and, 24 hours later, you're still in texas.“„Well,“ replies the Italien, „we have that problem all the time?“

Joke 337

Israel Isaac was dying, and his family gathered round his bedside. „Mama,“ he wispered. „I'm here, Isaac.“ „Miriam,“ he sighed. „I'm here, Papa.“ „Sally?“ „Here, Papa.“ „Jakob?“ „I'm here, too, Papa.“ „Then who the hell is minding the shop?“

Joke 336

Germany A group of german tourists makes its way to the top of Mount Etna and looks into the smoke-filled crater. One of them turns to his neighbour and says: „I looks just like hell.“ The Italien guide hears this, shakes his head and mutters: „Oh, these Germans! They've been everywhere!“

Joke 335

French When General de Gaulle died, Noel Coward was asked what he thought theGeneral and God would find to talk about Heaven. Coward replied: „That depends on how good God's French is.“

Joke 334

England During an afternon television programme on sex the audience was asked: „How many people here have sex more than three times a week?“ There was a weak show of hands. „And how many have sex once a month?“ A sea of hands shot up. „Anyone less than that?“ One delighted man waved his arm enthusiastically. „Onece a year,“ he said. „But tonight's the night.“

Joke 333

China One day Afanti goes to his landlord and asks to boorow a wok, as he has guests coming and his own is not big enough to cook all the food in. The landlord says yes, and a few days later Afani returns bringing two wooks, the original and a tiny one. „While I had it in my care your wok gave birth to a tiny one.“ The landlord gleefully accepts the simpleton's offering. Some time later Afani again comes and asks if he can borrow the landlord's biggest wok and of course is told yes. Many days go by and eventually Afanti returns sad and empty-handed. „Alas, your poor wok!“ he laments. „It died.“ - „What nonsens, everyone knows that woks can't die.“ - „If they can give birth they can surely die,“ Afanti, and calmly away. J.C. Yang, Xenophobe's guide to the Chinese.

Joke 332

Belgium „I don't like tongue in wine sauce. The idea of eating something that has been in a cow's mouth disgusts me.“ „How about eggs....?“

Joke 331

McGregor went to see his doctor for a medical checkup. As requested by the doctor, he took along a specimen of urine in an unusually big bottle. After the test, he rushed home. „Everything alright?“ his wife wanted to know. „Well, he said it would take a couple of days but then we will know, what shape Anne, you, aount Mary, the kids and the dog and myself are in.“

Joke 330

The smallest book in the world: An Italien history of heroes, and a compendium of German humor.

Joke 329

The following joke, wich probably originated at a conference of journalists, pokes fun at various national faiblesses - French lust, German seriousness, American bragging, British colonialism etc. English: Hunting elephants in Britis Africa. French: The love life of elephants in French Equatorial Africa. German: The origin and development at the East African elephant in the years 1200-1950 (600 pages). American: How to bread bigger and better elephants. Russian: How we sent an elephant to the moon. Swede: Elephants and the welfare state. Dane: Elephant-meat and smorrebrod. Indian: The elephant as a means of transportation before the railway era. Finnish: What the elephants think about Finland. Richard D. Lewis: When cultures collide.

Joke 328

Two HGVS (LKW.s) loaded with thousand of copies of Roget.s Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last friday, according to the Times. Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....

Joke 327

A young man is driving his new sportscar along a quit countrylane. Ther's no traffic about so he risks accelerating to 70 mph, then 80 an then 90. He rounds a bend and all of a sudden sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man pulls the steering wheel sharply to the one side, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the moddle of an adjacent field. Observing this, one of the farmers turns to the other and says: "That was lucky, Fred. I reckon we got out of that field just in the nick o'time."

Joke 326

Why are computer scientists such lousy lovers? Because they're always trying to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they claim that performance has improved.

Joke 325

What's the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket an a man arguing with a woman? The man buying the ticket at least has a one in 16 million chance of winning!

Joke 324

Before taking an exam, the professor tells the class that any exampaper that is not on his desk in exactly three hours time will not be accepted, and the student will fail. After three hours all the students have handed in their papers, except for one, who continues to write. Finally, he attempts to put his paper on the top of those already on the professor's desk. „Im not going to accept that,“ says the professeor. „It's too late.“ The student looks astonished. „Don't you know who I am?“ he asks. „No, as a matter of fact, I don't,“ says the professor. „Good,“ says the student, and quickly shoves his exampaper into the middle of the pile.

Joke 323

While looking through his filing cabinet one day, a govermant employee comes across an old brass lamp. „This would look on my mantelpiece,“ he thinks and starts to polish it. To his surprise a genie appears and grants him three wishes. „I wish for a cold pint of beer right now!“ POOF! A pint appears before him on his desk, which he picks up and downs in one. He thinks for a bit longer about his second wish and says: „I wish to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women. POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish. „I wish I never had to work ever again.“ POOF! He's back in his goverment office.

Joke 322

A beggar goes up to a well-dressed woman who is just coming out of Harrods and says, „Excuse me, madam. I haven't eaten anything in four days.“ She looks at him and replies: „God, I wish I had your willpower.“

Joke 321

A couple was driving along a countryroad, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a farmyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked: „Relatives of yours?“„Yep,“ the husband replied, „In-laws.“

Joke 320

„Why did you escape from prison?“ a policeman asks the fugitive. „I wanted to get married.“ „Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom.“

Joke 319

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like that.“

Joke 318

A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man, sitting alone. She said: „Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200.“ „Wonderful“said the man. „Paint my house.“

Joke 317

As a young manager is leaving the office late one evening, she sees the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder. The CEO says: „I have a very important document here, and my secretary has already gone home for the evening. I don't suppose you could help me?“„Sure,“ says the manager, eager to make a good impression. She puts the paper in the shredder and presses the start button. „Thank you so much!“ says the CEO, „I need two copies.“

Joke 316

An English professor writes on a board: „A woman without her man is nothing“ an asks his students to punctuate the sentence. A male student writes: „A woman without her man, is nothing.“ A female student writes: „A woman: without her, man is nothing.“

Joke 315

A woman rushes home from work one night and tells her husband: "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks: "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" She says: "Pack them all, you're leaving!"

Joke 314

An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal, but only moved, when the rider said "Thank God" and stopped, when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said:"Thank God" and immediately the horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster and faster, he shouted:" Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said: "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief: "Thank God!"

Joke 313

What did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For is the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of the chickens to cross the road MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was an histirical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Joke 312

An american salesman submitted his expenses account. After checking it over, the employer said: "I can't honor this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."

Joke 311

"Ivan, have you heard, Einstein is coming to Odessa.""Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?" "No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity'." "What's that?" "Well, how can I explain this ...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?" "A little." "And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup ..." "Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?"

Joke 310

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says: "Congratulations!" "Congratulations on what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?" repeats Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." " But that's not true"says the lawyer, "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible" says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

Joke 309

Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."

Joke 308

Question: What's even smarter than speaking several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut in one.

Joke 307

A college professor to a pharmacist: "Please, give me some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid." "Don't you mean aspirin?" "That's it. I can never remember that name!"

Joke 306

Isaac was walking by the lakeside in December. Suddenly he noticed his friend Löwenthal wriggling in an icehole. "Löwenthal, did you break through?" "Nu, winter caught me swimming!"

Joke 305

A blonde wants to go icefishing. After reading many books on the subject and purchasing the necessary equipment, she makes her way out on to the ice. She positions her chair, starts to cut a hole, when suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice booms: "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice and begins to cut another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellows: "There are no fish under the ice!" She stops, looks skyward and says: "Is that you, LORD?" The voice replies: "No, I'm the ice-rink-manager!"

Joke 304

Stranger: "Catch any fish?" Fisherman: "Did I?!? I took thirty out of this stream this Morning!" Stranger: "Do you know who I am?" I'm the game warden." Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."

Joke 303

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him an threatened to fire him, if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him, to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!" "That's all fine", said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Joke 302

"Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today." "Why not, dear?" "Tey all hat me there, mum, they laugh at my haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep trying to take my dinner money off me." "But Daniel, you have to go, you are the director after all.

Joke 301

Why did the Israelis stay out of the gulf war? Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years wandering around the desert.

Joke 300

Billy and his mother are at the zoo. "Mum, look over there! The gorilla looks like uncle Bernard." "Shame on you, you shouldn't say things like that." "Sorry mum, but I'm sure, the gorilla didn't hear me."

Joke 299

Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."

Joke 298

A fifty-year-old woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital, where, upon the operating table she has a near death experience. Seeing God, she asks: "Is my time up?" God replies: "No, you'll live another thirty years." So the woman decides that as she has so much more time to live, she might as well look good. She has a facelift, liposuction, and dyes her hair another colour. But just as she is leaving the hairdresser's, she is run over by a car. Arriving in front of God she says: "I thought you said I had another thirty years! Lord, why did you let me get killed?" God answers: "Because I didn't recognise you!"

Joke 297

What's the late-night difference between an bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Joke 296

A womanwalked up to a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look "she said. "What's yout secret for a long happy life?" "Well, I smoke at least sixty cigarettes a day" he started, "I also drink a crate of beer a day, eat fatty foods, and evere exercise." "That's amazing " the woman said. "And how old are you, if I may ask?" "Twenty-eight" he said.

Joke 295

A man, who has recently come into money, bys a villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friends. "Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail." "Against hail?" the friend wondered to himself. "How do you make hail?"

Joke 294

Basic Math for Boss and Employee. Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Joke 293

"Why did you escape from prison?" a poloceman asks the fugitive. "I want to married." "Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom."

Joke 292

A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the localgrammar school, to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the prisoners answer together: "The appeal!"

Joke 291

A woman comes back home to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killed any?" she asks him. "Yes, two males and two females." "How can you tell?" she says. He replies: "Two were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

Joke 290

A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee shot. "For goodness sake, hurry up" said his partner. "But my wife is watching from the clubhouse," her replied. "This has to be a perfect shot." "Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"

Joke 289

A sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God lives. A small boy raises his hand and says: "Miss, God lives in our bathroom". "In your bathroom?" asks the teacher. "What makes you think he's in there?" The boy replies: "Because every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts: "God are you still in there?""

Joke 288

On the way to the hospital, a nurse was driving very fast. She failed to heed the stoplight on the corner. A policeman caught up with her on the next block and said: "Doesn't that red light remind you of something?" Replied the nurse: "Oh yes. Someone wants the bedpan."

Joke 287

A passenger on a plane runs up to the stweardess and says: „Quick! Give me a bottle of wiskey. The woman in the seat next to mine has fainted.“ The stewardess hands him the bottle from which he proceeds to take a long slug. „That's better“ says the man, „I can't stand seeing unconscious women.“

Joke 286

A primary school teacher asked her class what their parents did for a living. „Kevin,“ she said „What does your father do all day?“ „He's a dentist“ Kevin replied. „That's wonderful. How about you, Sally,“ said the teacher. "My father is a postman," said Sally shyly. "Thank you, Sally," said the teacher „What about your father, Paul?“ Paul stood up and proudly announced, „My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.“ The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to maths. After school she went to Paul's house to speak with his father. The teacher explained what his son had said, to which Paul's father replied, „Well, actually I am an attorney but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?“

Joke 285

„Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be helping much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as if I hadn't taken them.“ „On the contrary, if you hadn't taken them you'd be dead by now.“

Joke 284

When the signal was given, the company climbed out of the trenches and was about to start an assault. Only Miller ran to the back. The captain grabbed him: „The enemy is over there!“ Miller: „Well, I have to get a running start.“

Joke 283

Frenchman to an American in an gallery: „Do you like Toulouse-Lautrec?“ American: „No, I don't like to lose anything.“ Henri Toulouse-Lautrec war ein französischer Maler. Ähnliche Aussprache des französischen namens "Toulouse" und des engl. verbs "to louse" (verlieren)

Joke 282

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for employee: „Before we order, could you please settle an argument? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?“ The girl leaned over the counter and said: „Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiiing.“

Joke 281

Having joined a monastery, a man takes a vow of silence, with the exception of two words every five years. After the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. „Cold floors,“ he replies. The elders nod and send him away for another five years. Time passes, and when he is called in again he says: „Bad food.“They nod and send him away. Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled meeting, he says, „I quit.“ „Well, I can't say that surprises us, „said the eldest elder, „all you've done since you got here is moan and complain.“

Joke 280

There was once a young man whose only desire was to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, „I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“well, his future took a slightly different turn, however he has reached his goal: He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Joke 279

Deep in a forest, a little turtle begins to climb a tree. After hours of hard effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs and rather unsurprisingly goes crashing to the ground below. After recovering, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground once more. He tries again and again, while two birds sit on a branch nearby, watching his sad efforts. Finally the female birds turns to her mate and says: „Don't you think it's time to tell him he was adopted?“

Joke 278

Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long one. Madonna does not have one, and although the pope has one he does not use it. What is it? A last name!

Joke 277

A woman says: „This place is a mess! You and me have got to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do the laundry right now!“ A man hears: „Blah, blah, blah, COME ON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND ME blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Joke 276

John goes to see his factory supervisor. „Mr. Shorland“ he says „we're having a clear-out at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the loft and the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump. Would it be possible to take a day's holiday?“ „We're short-handed, John“ the supervisor replies. „I can't give you the day off.“ „Thanks, Mr. Shorland“says John, „I knew I could count on you!“

Joke 275

Two men are walking in the forest when they se a grizzly coming towards them. The first takes off his rucksack, takes out a pair of trainers, and puts them on. The other looks at him and says: „That's pretty dumb. There's no way you can outrun a grizzly bear!“ „That's true“says his friend. „But then again, I've only got to outrun a PERSON, while you must try to outrun him...“

Joke 274

After a night on the tiles, a university student was proudly showing his new flat to friends. „What is the big brass gong and hammer for?“ one of them asked him. „That's a speaking clock“ he replied. „How does it work?“the friend wanted to know. „Watch“ he said and then gave the gong a wallop with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: „Be quiet you idiot! It's after midnight!“

Joke 273

An Englishman, a Finn and a Russian are studying a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. “Look at the beautiful garden,“ muses the Englishman. „Only an Englishman could create a garden of such beauty.“ „Rubbish“says the Finn. „They're naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.“ „You're both wrong“ says the Russian. „No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they're told it's paradise - definitely Russian.“

Joke 272

A tramp asked a man for a pound. The man asked: „Will you buy booze with it?“ „No „ said the tramp. The man asked: „Will you gamble it away?“ Again the tramp said: „No.“ The man then asked: „Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man, who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble?“

Joke 271

Patient: „Doctor, Doctor, I can't help stealing things.“ Psychiatrist: „Take one of these pills three times a day and that should help you.“Patient: „But what if it doesn't“? Psychiatrist: „Then get me a DVD-player.“

Joke 270

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Joke 269

A student from a small country town is accepted at Yale universty. On his first day on campus, he tries to find his way around. He approaches a well-dressed student and asks: „Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at“? The other student replies arrogantly: „Don't you know that one should never end a sentence with a preposition“? „Ok. Where's the library at, you dope“?

Joke 268

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is far away So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, And just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"...

Joke 267

Politically Correct Holiday Greeting I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only „America“ in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced. (Author Unknown)

Joke 266

SOCIALISM: You have two cows and give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and gives you the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk. NATIONAL SOCIALISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and trows the milk away. CAPITALISM: You have two cows; you sell one and by a bull.

Joke 265

A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man, sitting alone. "Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200 Dollar." "Wonderful," said the man "Paint my house."

Joke 264

Basic Math for Boss & Employee: Smart boss + smart employee =profit Smart boss + dumb employee =production Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee =overtime

Joke 263

A man visited a matchmaker for marriage and said: "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one. She should be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. She should tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The advisor listened carefully and replied: "I understand. You need a television."

Joke 262

A small frog goes to a fortuneteller and asks if he is going to meet a young girl. The fortuneteller tells him: "Yes, you are." The frog asks: "Where? In a bar or at a party?" The fortuneteller: "In biology class!"

Joke 261

"What am I suppord to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four to them, you get a bicycle."

Joke 260

I met an old university friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer. When I asked him to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" Just discovered he's now working for Microsoft ... writing erroer messages.

Joke 259

Man: "How's your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?"'s your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

Joke 258

On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer over an said: "Sir, do you realize your wifw fell out of the car sveral miles back?" To wich the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Joke 257

"I've lost my dog." "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?" "Don't be silly - he can't read."

Joke 256

In China ist ein Sack Reis umgefallen! Und hier die internationalen Reaktionen: News: A Sack of Rice fell over Fact: a sack of rice fell over in the Yunnan district, China. This is how different news media reacted to it: American News CNN: speaker: "Sources in china reported that a sack of rice has fallen over. We switch over to the white house and our correspondent Jack Rabbit." Jack: "The White House is in a state of alert, only few minutes ago the President gave a short note to the press..." President: "We have considered the news from China. And urge the public not to panic, yet." Jack: "...the President was unavailable for further comments. Reliable sources in the Department of Agriculture report that the government does not yet know how to react." USA Today: "New York University statistics professor John D. Merit reported that on average 300 purses are stolen each day in the greater state of New York. Read the full report on page 3-5. In other news: a major catastrophy has hit the rice fields In Hunan, China." Journal of Mathematics: (an article by Chaos Theorist Prof. Martens) "[...]taking the precendence of the recent series of severe storms over Florida, which are speculated to be caused by Chinese butterflies, the government should prepare for a major food shortage within the next 12 to 36 months. [...]" The Inquirer: "Aliens and the chinese government conspired to make sacks of rice fall over. Read full report on page 15." Asian News Republic of China Official Newswire: "Reports of a full sack of rice falling over have been greatly exaggerated. It is true though that half a sack of rice fell over. The rice was yet unboiled and the incident will have no negative effect on Chinese economy." Taiwan News: "No Taiwanese citizens hurt in major rice cultivation failure in China. A leading member of the Democratic Progressive Party reportedly said 'This was a catastrophy waiting to happen', the statement was met with criticism from members of all parties." Japan Nikkai Tribune: "According to sources in Tokio no negative effects of the Chinese rice crisis are expected for the whole of Japan. However, major factories of the Japanese textile industry are standing by to produce unfallable sacks should China require them." India Tribune: "The government decided to tighten border controls on the border to China, since a surge of Chinese refugees is expected after the rice incident in Yunnan. The shift of troops has been met with harsh criticism from the governments of Nepal and Pakistan." European News Germany, FAZ: "Reports from the chinese province of Yunnan indicate that thousands of chinese citizens have been displaced by the fallover of a sack of rice. The foreign minister immediately offered help to the government of china should it be needed. So far the Red Cross has not been allowed to enter the province in order to help. Diplomatic talks are going on behind closed doors in the Kanzleramt in Berlin." The London Times: "A sack of rice fell over in China. No Brits hurt." The Scotsman: "The Scottish Parliament today voted for sending an expert in Scooping-Up to China in order to limit the damage done by the fallen rice." Great Britain, 'the Sun': "Prince Charles' secret love for rice and how it could ruin Great Britain, read page 7." France, Le Monde: "While the Prime Minister and the chinese embassador meet over lunch in Paris, specialists and government officials alike assure the people of France, that the French economy will not be significantly affected by the rice incident." The Financial Times: "Crop market turns problematic." -- "After the incident of the fallen sack of rice in China, the world wide market for crops has suffered significantly. The price for rice has skyrocketed, while the price for barley and rye are expected to stabilize again on the niveau of 1987. Meanwhile the price for asian cotton and whool have plummeted to an all-time low - leading financial experts are speculating that this is the markets retribution for the culprit behind this incident." 'Cooking today' (and other cooking magazines): "1001 rice free recipes." Unquote....

Joke 255

What kind of wine would you recommend for our silver wedding anniversary? Answer: It depends on whether you want to celebrate it or forget it.16. jaA small compact car smashed into the rear of Oliver's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the small car was furious. „Why didn't you put out your hand?“ „What's the point?“ shrugged Oliver. „If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?“

Joke 254

A man standing at the grave of his wife laments: „Why did you leave me alone so early? Oh, if I could see you one more time!“ At this moment a mole moves in the grave mound. Immediately the man sets his foot on the grave. „I was only joking!“

Joke 253

A man who has recently come into money buys a villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friend. „Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail.“„Against hail?“ the friend wondered to himself. „How do you make hail?“

Joke 252

A college chemistry professor in his local drugstore: „Please, some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid.“ „You mean Aspirin?“ asked the pharmacist. „That's it. I can never remember that name

Joke 251

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Gates to Hell by a brass band. The Devil runs over, shakes his hand and says: „Congratulations!“„Congratulations on what?“ - „We're celebrating your 160th birthday today.“ „But that's not true“, says the lawyer „it is my 40th birthday today.“ „That's impossible, „ says the Devil, „by adding up all the hours you have charged your customers this is your 160th birthday today...“

Joke 250

Question: What's even smarter than speaking several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut.

Joke 249

The father was slightly annoyed when he said to his inquisitive son: „You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions like you?“The son answered: „You might be able to answer more of mine!“

Joke 248

An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said „Thank God“ and only stopped when it heard „Amen.“ So he mounted the horse, said „Giddy-up“ and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, „Thank God“, and immediately the horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster and faster, he shouted, „Whoah, whoah,“ until he remebered, and then said „Amen“. The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his hankerchief and breathed with relief, „Thank God!“

Joke 247

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting.“

Joke 246

„Do you know Salomon Herschfeld? Ten years ago when he came to Lodz he had nothing but one old pair of trousers, and today the man has got two million!“ „For God's sake, what does he do with two million old pairs of trausers?“

Joke 245

Why did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, beeing an autonomous beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was an historical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Joke 244

A church minister is driving down to Boston, and he's stopped on the highway for speeding. The traffic patrol officer smells alcohol on his breath, and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He asks him: "Sir, have you been drinking?" The minister says: "Just water" The officer: "Then why do I smell wine?" The minister looks down to the bottle and says: "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Joke 243

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting like that.“

Joke 242

A For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase som popcorn. Handing the attendant 1,50 dollar, he couldn't help but comment: The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..."

Joke 241

A Personal Manager: "You start on Monday. You get paid by efficiency." Applicant: "I'm sorry, I can't live on that!"

Joke 240

A baker was angry about one of his customer's complaints. "I was making bread before you were born," he shouted. "Maybe so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it now?"

Joke 239

A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him: You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not talking to you but to your friend!

Joke 238

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked: „Doctor, will I be able to read wearing glasses?“ „Yes, of course,“ said the doctor. „Why not?“ „Oh! How nice it would be,“ said the patient with joy, „I have been illiterate for so long.“

Joke 237

The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said: „That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. Billy looked at him and said: „I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself.“ „I didn't. That was the echo.“

Joke 236

A woman went to see her rabbi because she wanted to get divorced. „Why?“ the rabbi wanted to know. „I suspect my husband of not being the father of my last child.“

Joke 235

A merchant from Genoa had to go on a business trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him about the sentence by e-mail. After the trial his solicitor sent a mail: „Justice has triumphed“. Right away he got a response: „Appeal immediately“.

Joke 234

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud, that they had difficulty in hearing each other. „It's windy, „ said one. „No, it's Thursday,“ said the next. „So am I,“said the third. „Let's go and have a drink!“

Joke 233

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs: „I pray for a new bicycle. I pray fo a new Nitendo. I pray for a new videorecorder...“ The older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said: „Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn.t deaf!“ The little brother replied: „No, but Grandma sure is!“

Joke 232

Paul died, and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department an said: „This is what I want to have printed: Paul is dead.“ The man at the newspaper said: „But for 25 Dollar you are allowed to print six words.“ The woman answered: „OK, then print : Paul is dead, Toyota for sale.“

Joke 231

A man visits God and says: „God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?“ God says: „No, ask me anything at all.“ So the man says: „God, you've been around for a long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?“God replies: „For me, a thousend years is only five minutes.“ The man says: „That.s interesting, God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?“ God replies: „For me, a million dollars is only five cents.“ The man says: „Really? Well then, God, could you lend me five cents, please?“ God looks at the man, smiles, and says: „Of course, my son. Just wait five minutes!“

Joke 230

A little girl had just finished her first week of scool. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Joke 229

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart wich contained, among other things, a screaming baby. The gentleman kept repeading softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream Albert; dont't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert.

Joke 228

A teacher to a pupil: "Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present." Pupil: "I walk. You walk..." The teacher interupts him: "Quicker, please." Pupil: "I run. You run ..."

Joke 227

A student comes to a young professor.s officehours, She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean ..." she wispers, "...I would do ...anything. He returns her gaze. "Anything?" - "Anything" - His voice softens "Anything???" - "Absolutely anything" His voice turns into wisper, "Would you ... study?"

Joke 226

A men went to the doctor an said, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over." The doctor asked the man to explain more. The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch, it hurts. The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr. Smith, your finger is broken!"

Joke 225

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist: "The measurement wasn.t accurate." The biologist.s conclusion: "They have reproduced." The mathematician: "If exactly one person enters the house now, then it will be empty again." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003

Joke 224

Transcript of an appatently ACTUAL radio conversation: Americans: "Recommend your divert your course 15 degrees to the nort to avoid a collision." Canadiens: "Negativ. You will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I repead, divert YOUR course." Canadiens: "No. I repeat, you divert YOUR course." Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRKRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY TREE DESTROYERS, TREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I REPEAT, THAT.S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURE WILL BE UNTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." Canadiens: "This is a lighthouse. Your call!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003

Joke 223

Overheard at a computerstore: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of a six-year-old, but it.s got to be simple enough for his father to play, too." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003

Joke 222

A boy asks his father if he can use the car, and the father replies, "No, not until you cut your hair!" The boy replies, "But father ... Jesus had long hair!" To which his father says, "True, but he WALKED everywhere!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003

Joke 221

A man went to his doctor to find out why he had been such severe headaches. The doctor ran some tests and after a few hours called the man into his office. "I have terrible news," he told the patient. "Your condition is terminal." "Oh, no!" the man wailed. "How long do I have?" "Ten..." began the doctor. "Ten what?" the patient interrupted. "Days? Month? Years?" "Nine," said the doctor, "eight, seven, six ..." (Reader's Digest, Nov. 1997 - Contributed by Bob Fajardo) The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangoroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangoroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangoroo still escaped. Question: How will they have to build the fence? ANSWER: Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked. (Reader's Digest, Sept. 1995 - Contributed by Jerry H. Simpson, Jr.) Fishing in a boat one day, two men see a bottle float by. The guy sitting in the back picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A genie appears. "Since you freed me from the bottle," says the genie, "I shall grant you one wish." The guy in front blurts out, "I wish the lake would turn into beer!" Just like that, they are floating on a lake full of beer. "Way to go," the guy in the back says angrily. "Now we have to pee in the boat." (Reader's Digest, August 2003 - submitted by Dustin Godsey)

Joke 220

What would worry you more? Your 14 year old daughter comes home from school saying that her class had a sex-education lesson with a PRESENTATION OR Your 14-year-old daughter comes home from school saying that she had sex TRAINING. from Alexandra Graßler

Joke 219

Sunday was to be the day of Joe's wedding, and he and his father were enjoying a nightcap together. Lifting his glass in a toast to his father, Joe asked: "Any advice before I take the big step, dad?" "Yes", the father said. "Two things. First: insist on having one night out a week with the boys. Second: don't waste it on the boys."

Joke 218

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they were married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless. Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just that for one moment there I thought you moved."

Joke 217

Carter had been back from his honeymoon only a week when a friend asked him how he liked married life. "Why, it's nice enough," was his reply. "It's almost like being in love."

Joke 216

The whole thing is ridiculous. You take somebody to lunch, you can't write it off unless you talk business. I took a blonde to lunch the other day. I started to talk business, she slapped me right in the face.

Joke 215

"Blondinenwitz" aus Amerika: A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever!Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Joke 214

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 15 Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy. Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Joke 213

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 14 Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Joke 212

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 13 Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them. Jehovah‚s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Joke 211

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 12 Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well. Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Joke 210

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 11 Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days. Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Joke 209

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Joke 208

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Joke 207

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 9 Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them. Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Joke 206

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 8 Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them. Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.

Joke 205

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 6 Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida. Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Joke 204

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 5 Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them. Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate. Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Joke 203

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 4 Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let‚s make a hockey team, eh? Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Joke 202

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 3 British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Joke 201

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 2 Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

Joke 200

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 1 Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Joke 199

Would you believe it, I used to play at Carnegie Hall ­ till the cops chased me away.

Joke 198

A woman is taking a shower. All of a sudden her doorbell rings. She yells, "Who's there?" He says, "Blind man." Well, she's a charitable lady. She runs out of the shower naked and opens the door. He says, "Where should I put these blinds, lady?"

Joke 197

Question: Two men are in love with me, Murray and George. Who will be the lucky one? Answer: Murray will marry you. George will be the lucky one.

Joke 196

When it comes to gambling, I only gamble for laughs. In fact, last week I laughed away my car.

Joke 195

You meet the craziest people on the subway. One guy sitting next to me kept saying, "Call me a doctor ­ call me a doctor." I asked, "What's the matter, are you sick?" He said, "No, I just graduated from medical school."

Joke 194

What a fight! When the bell rang, I came out of my corner and threw six straight punches in a row. Then the other guy came out of his corner.

Joke 193

In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl in the world. "You know," she told her girlfriend, "A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry." "Really? How many are you going to marry?"

Joke 192

Hoping to avoid the embarrassing attentions that most hotels bestow on newlyweds, the honeymooners carefully removed the rice from their hair, took the "Just Married" sign off their car, and even scuffed their luggage to give it that traveled look. Then, without betrying a trace of their eagerness, they ambled casually into Miami Beach's Fontainebleau Hotel and up to the front desk. where the groom said in a loud, booming voice, "We've reserved a double bed with a room."

Joke 191

Noah Webster's wife, returning from a long trip, discovered the lexicographer "in flagrante delicto" with a pretty chambermaid. "Mr. Webster!" she gasped, "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," said Webster with a reproving smile. "You are shocked; I am surprised."

Joke 190

A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him: You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not talking to you but to your friend!

Joke 189

The unabashed dictionary defines adolescence as the age between puberty and adultery.

Joke 188

The convertible glided silently to a stop on a lonely country road. "Out of gas," he said, with a sly smile. "Yes, I thought you might be," said his date, as she opened her big purse and pulled out a rather large bottle. "Say, you are a swinger," he said. "What do you have in there ­ Scotch or Bourbon?" "Gasoline," she replied.

Joke 187

A middle-aged friend of ours says he can't understand all the excitement over the movie version of Lolita. "I didn't see anything in it that could be considered even vaguely sensational," he told us, "and neither did my twelve-year-old wife."

Joke 186

One day in school young Johnny wrote on the blackboard, "Johnny is a passionate devil." The teacher reprimanded him for this act, and made him stay after school for one hour. When he finally left the school that evening, all his friends crowded around him, eager to hear what punishment he had received. "What did she do to you?" asked one little tyke. "I ain't saying nothing," Johnny replied, "except that it pays to advertise."

Joke 185

A guy comes home and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. Hebecomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?" A voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"

Joke 184

A guy in the garment industry has a son who asks him, "Daddy, what kind of a flower is that?" He says, "What am I, a milliner?"

Joke 183

Two guys who work in the garment industry are hunting game in Africa. They hear the growl of an animal behind them. One says, "What kind of an animal is that?" The other says "What am I ­ a furrier?

Joke 182

He's the kind of a guy who drings Brazilian coffee out of an English cup while devouring French pastry, sitting on his Danish furniture after coming home in his German car from seeing an Italian movie, he picks up his Japanese-made ball-point and writes to his american Congressman, demanding that they stop the flow of gold out of this country.

Joke 181

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're not in your own house, that's what it means

Joke 180

A father wants to cheer up his son: Come on boy, smile! These are the most beautiful years of your life. Son: You mean everything is going to get even worse...?!

Joke 179

I live so far out of town in the suburbs, the mailman mails me my letters.

Joke 178

- A guy comes up in divorce court about alimony payments. The judge says, "The Court shall grant this woman 250 dollars a week." The guy says, "That's very nice of you, Judge. I'll pitch in a few dollars myself."

Joke 177

Statistics show that every four seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

Joke 176

The other day I was driving under the influence of my wife. She talks and talks and talks. She gets two thousand words to the gallon.

Joke 175

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today a five-year-old does it.

Joke 174

The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then on the way back from the wedding-ceremony …

Joke 173

My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid of the guitar and now just picks on me.

Joke 172

Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it is gone.

Joke 171

The automobile of tommorrow will be faster than sound. You'll be in the hospital before you start the motor.

Joke 170

- To give you an idea how difficult my wife can be, she bought me two ties for my birthday. To please her I wore one. She hollered, "What's the matter, don't you like the other one?"

Joke 169

- The traffic was so heavy people were driving bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"

Joke 168

The meanest thing you can do to a woman is to lock her in a room with a thousand hats and no mirror.

Joke 167

Everybody's on strike nowadays. We saw a guy carrying a sign with nothing on it. "Who are you picketing against?" I asked. He says, "Nobody. I'm looking for a sponsor."

Joke 166

My new car is so modern you press a button and it presses a button.

Joke 165

There's a new safety device on cars now. if you want to turn right, press a button and a sign lights up that says, "I'm turning right." Press another button and it says, "I'm turning left." There's a special button for women drivers. it says, "I don't know what I'm going to do next."

Joke 164

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Joke 163

What good is happiness? It can't buy you money.

Joke 162

My wife doesn't want to take weight off. She just wants to rearrange it.

Joke 161

I don't have to do this for a living. I can always starve to death.

Joke 160

I miss my wif's cooking ­ as ofter as I can.

Joke 159

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

Joke 158

Las Vegas is the only town in the country where you can have a wonderful time without enjoying yourself.

Joke 157

If you must drink while you're driving home, be sure the radio in the car is turned up loud. That way you won't hear the crash.

Joke 156

She puts that mud on her face before going to bed at night. I say, "Goodnight, Swamp."

Joke 155

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Joke 154

I was up at the crack of six this morning. Took a brisk walk to the bathroom and was back in bed at 6:05.

Joke 153

Four drunks looked at her, they took the pledge.

Joke 152

An elderly man was visiting his doctor for a check-up. The doctor said, "Mr. Jones, you're sound as a dollar. You'll live to be eighty." "But I am eighty," Mr. Jones says. "See, what did I tell you?"

Joke 151

There was a mix-up at the swank Fifth Avenue florist shop. Wrong cards were attached to two imposing floral wreaths. The one that went to a druggist moving to a new building read: "Deepest sympathy." The one intended for the funeral of a leading banker read: "Good luck in your new location."

Joke 150

The Farm Hand A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted Wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the farm than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing very well. Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." He agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties. By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you are fired on the spot." 

Joke 149

We got a new foreign car with the motor in the back. Pulled up in front of the Sherman hotel and the bellboy opened up the back of the car. Before I knew it, the motor was up in the room.

Joke 148

George is a worker at the lumbermill. One day, while pushing a tree through the buzzsaw he accidentally cuts off all ten of his fingers. He runs to the emergency room. The doctor says, "My goodness! Well, give me your fingers, and I will see what I can do for you." "I don't have the fingers" George answers. "What do you mean, you don't have the fingers? We're in the third millennium and we have microsurgery and lots of other incredible techniques. I could put them back on and make your hands like new. So, why didn't you bring your fingers?" George replies, "You see, Doc, I couldn't pick them up." Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 147

A big corporation sent their best managers to a very expensive seminar. They were to learn to find solutions for problems even in very unusual circumstances. On the second day some of them had to measure the height of a flag pole. So they got themselves a ladder and a tape measure. Since the ladder was too short they fetched a table to put the ladder on. That didn't do it, so they also got a chair, that they put on the table and the ladder on top of the chair. However, the contraption kept falling over again and again. Everybody was talking at the same time, bringing forward different suggestions. Then a woman walks by, looking at all that chaos. Without a word she pulls the flag pole out of the ground, lays it down, grabs the tape measure, measures the pole from one end to the other, jots the result down on a piece of paper and hands it to one of the managers. As soon as she has disappeared around the corner one manager says, "Typical woman. We have to measure the pole's HEIGHT and she measures its LENGTH. That's why we don't allow women in our management." Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 146

You know the world is going crazy when --- the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 145

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for many years. His doctor was able to fit him with a set of hearing aids and thus he was able to hear 100% again. Several weeks after that the elderly gentleman went to see his doctor again and was told, "Your hearing is just perfect now. All of your family must be very pleased." "Oh, I have not told my family about it, yet." The gentleman answered. "I simply sit around and listen to them talking. I've changed my will three times by now."

Joke 144

My car is so worn out, every time I have to go down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take a cab.

Joke 143

Before that he worked in a winery, stepping on grapes. He got fired one day when they caught him sitting down on the job.

Joke 142

Funny Thoughts (by George Carlin) "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: 'Where's the self-help section?' She said: "If I were to tell you that, it would defeat the purpose."

Joke 141

Quick Wit: You are OLD", when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer: "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Joke 140

My wife has a nice even disposition. Miserable all the time.

Joke 139

One thing I will say, she's very neat around the house. If I drop ashes on the floor, she's right there to pick them up. I throw my clothes down, she hangs them up immediately. I got up at three the other morning, went in the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice, I came back, I found the bed made.

Joke 138

I just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car. Things are rough. People are worried. I saw a man lying in the gutter, I walked up and said, "Are you sick? Can I help you?" He said, "No, I found a parking space, I sent my wife out to buy a car."

Joke 137

A few weeks ago a doctor friend of mine had trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak. The leak became bigger and bigger. Even though it was 2:00 A.M., the doctor decided to phone his plumber. Naturally, the plumber got sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. "For Pet's sake, Doc," he wailed, "this is some time to wake a guy." "Well," the doctor answered testily, "you're never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night with a medical problem. Now it just happens I've got a plumbing emergency." There was a moment's silence. Then the plumber spoke up. "Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me what's wrong." The Doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom. "Tell you what to do," the plumber offered. "Take two aspirins every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn't cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."

Joke 136

I called down to the desk. I said, "Is this room service?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Send up a room."

Joke 135

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“ „Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.“

Joke 134

At the age of 90 Bob Hope had changed his major hobby, instead of golf he then preferred painting. Do you know shy? - No. Tell me. - Less strokes!

Joke 133

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, insearch of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeksin and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,"Oh, boy, horse ride! Horse ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back? "Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy!! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!!!"

Joke 132

My car is so worn out, every time I have to go down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take a cab.

Joke 131

I've got a brother-in-law who's a real character. An elderly man, still chases women, but forgets what for.

Joke 130

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Joke 129

I wish he would learn a trade so we'd know what kind of work he was out of.

Joke 128

All you married men, wan to drive your wives crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep ­ just grin.

Joke 127

My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.

Joke 126

The cutest little girl was giving me a manicure. I said, "How's about a date later?" She said. "I'm married." I said, "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girl friend." She said, "Tell him yourself ­ he's shaving you."

Joke 125

One guy said to his wife, "On TV 9 saw an amazing device that sews buttons right on clothes." His wife said, "That's wonderful. What is it?" And the guy said, "A needle and thread."

Joke 124

My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we have an argument and she feels she's losing, she takes it to the higher court ­ her mother.

Joke 123

The way she looks in the morning! She ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said, "No, jump in."

Joke 122

I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your house." Last week she sold it.

Joke 121

I've been married for thirty-four years and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

Joke 120

You know what's embarrassing? When you look through a keyhole and you see another eye.

Joke 119

In Las Vegas, a man walked up to his wife and said, "Give me the money I told you not to give me."

Joke 118

An art theatre: that's a place where the theatre is clean, the picture are filthy.

Joke 117

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside."

Joke 116

Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got home, her tongue was sunburned. She missed her nap today. She slept right through it.

Joke 115

A man went to Las Vegas with a $ 7,000 Cadillac and came home with a $ 75,000 bus.

Joke 114

Here's my life story. I came from a very poor family. They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had me.

Joke 113

Walked into a store and said, "This is my wife's birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful fountain pen." The clerk winked at me and said, "A little surprise, huh?" I said, "Yes, she's expecting a Cadillac."

Joke 112

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Joke 111

I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a ball-point pen.

Joke 110

I bought a suit that comes from London. It was brought here and sold to a wholesaler. The wholesaler sold it to a retailer and the retailer sold it to me. To think all those people are making a living out of something I haven't paid for.

Joke 109

How much does a femal brain cost? In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said," It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Joke 108

A rugged Texan, dripping with oil and Cadillacs, walked into an exclusive art gallery in New York with his nagging wife. In fifteen minutes flat the Texan bought six Picassos, three Renoirs, ten Cézanes, and thirty Utrillos. He then turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said. "There, honey chile, that takes care of the Christmas cards. Now let's get started on the serious shopping."

Joke 107

A man in a supermarket - he seems utterly overwhelmed and lost ... he is so very worried and absentminded that he bumps right into another man who is behaving just like he is. The first man says, "I'm sorry. I'm quite distracted ... I'm looking for my wife." The second man answers, "Outch! Well, I'm looking for my wife, too. What does yours look like?" "Her name is Susie. A gorgeous blonde, about 1m75 tall, her hair is shoulder length and her black lace bra is well filled .. and her smile is a little naughty. What does your wife look like?" "Oh, forget about mine! Let's look for yours...!"

Joke 106

Now to do this you must go to diction school. They teach you how to speak clearly. To do this they fill your mouth with marbles and you're supposed to talk clearly right through the marbles. Now every day you lose one marble. When you've lost all your marbles …

Joke 105

Expensive hotel: Finally got a room and bath for thirty dollars a day. I didn't go to the beach once. I just stayed in my room and watched it.

Joke 104

Fellow bought a mouse-trap for his cellar. When he went to set it, he found that he had forgotten to buy cheese, so he cut a piece of cheese from a magazine and placed this in the trap. Surprisingly enough this worked. When he went down the next morning, he found in the trap ­ a picture of a mouse.

Joke 103

I say a drunk walk up to a parking meter and put in a dime. The dial went to 60. He said, "How do you like that. I weigh on hour." HU'S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office with Condoleeza Rice & George Bush...) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East! Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N.? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too...maybe we should send some to the guy in China! And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Joke 102

They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together. They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together.

Joke 101

Some people ask, how do you become a comedian? Well, to become a comedian, you tell your friends a lot of jokes, you get them all together, you keep the good ones, before you know it you're a riot at a party. Somebody says, "You ought to go on the stage." Like an idiot, you believe them.

Joke 100

Did you hear about the rich kid from Dallas who walked up to Santa Claus and said, "Santa, what do you need?"

Joke 99

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Joke 98

Want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a wire saying, "Ignore first wire." Another way to drive a guy crazy: Send him a telegram and on top put "Page 2".

Joke 97

Some man lost a lot of money in Las Vegas. He's fed up, he's disgusted, he's driving out of town. From out of the mountains he hears a voice saying, "Go back to Las Vegas, go back to Las Vegas." He figures this is a good omen, he drives back to Las Vegas at eighty miles an hour. He gets back to Las Vegas, the voice says, "Go into the Sands Hotel to gamble this time." So he goes into the Sands Hotel. The voice says, "Play roulette, put $ 2,000 on Number 8." He does that. Number 6 comes up. He loses. The voice says, "How about that!"

Joke 96

I was in the lobby of the Sherman Hotel and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I said, "What do you want?" He said, "I want a match." I said, "Why don't you ask for it?" He said, "I don't talk to strangers."

Joke 95

My mother tells the joke about two little old ladies meeting. One says to the other, "What did you do to your hair? It looks awful ­ it looks like a wig." She says. "It is a wig." The other woman says, "You know, you could never tell."

Joke 94

A couple in Hollywood got divorced. Then they got remarried. The divorce didn't work out. A rich guy in Dallas bought his kid a chemistry outfit ­ du Pont.

Joke 93

When a woman puts on a dinner dress, it doesn't necessarily mean she's going to dinner. And when she dons a cocktail dress, it doesn't mean necessarily that she's going to a cocktail party. But when she puts on a wedding dress, you know she means business.

Joke 92

When I was a kid I had no watch. I used to tell time by my violin. I used to practice in the middle of the night and the neighbors yould yell, "Fine time to praktice violin, three o'clock in the morning!"

Joke 91

An actress in Hollywood got divorced, she took her four kids with her. There was an actor out there who got divorced, and the took his four kids with him. Then they met, they fell in love, they got married and had four kids of their own. One day she looked out the window, she said, "Darling, your kids and my kids are beating the heck out of our kids!"

Joke 90

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French and even the waiter was surprised. It was a Chinese restaurant.

Joke 89

A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said no. He said, "Stick 'em up!" Another fellow walked up to me and said, "Stick 'em down." I said, "You mean stick'em up." He said, "No wonder I haven't made any money."

Joke 88

A father was explaining ethics to his son who was about to go into business: "Supposing a woman comes in and orders $ 100 worth of material. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays you with a $ 100 bill. As she goes out the door, you realize she has given you two $ 100 bills. Here's where the ethics some in. Should you or shouldn't you tell your partner?"

Joke 87

My arm started to hurt me. I said, "Doctor, examine my arm." He looked at my arm, he brought out a medical book and studied it for fifteen minutes. He said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you got it again."

Joke 86

A young co-worker asks Humphrey the secret of his long marriage. Humphrey: „We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week; a little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. Mary goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.“

Joke 85

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a glass of whiskey. The bartender answers, „Sorry, we don't serve food.“

Joke 84

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“ „Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.“

Joke 83

Questions 1: If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2: How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How many months have 28 days?(THINK this is a lil' too much!) 4. How far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers? Scroll down for the answers ... ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One (spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside.

Joke 82

MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY SHOP AND GOT A MUD PACK. FOR TWO DAYS SHE LOOKED NICE. THEN THE MUD FELL OFF.

Joke 81

She puts that cold cream on at night an inch thick, and she puts those curlers in her hair, then she puts a fishing net over the whole thing. She said: „Kiss me.„ I said: „Take me to your leader.„

Joke 80

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie." She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order? Again he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man; "I think it's pronounced quiche."

Joke 79

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Joke 78

A swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. " Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan usted espanol?" Still nothing The swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishmen turns to the second and says; "Y'ou know, maybe we should learn a foreign language ..." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 77

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: .Compliment her .cuddle her .kiss her .caress her .love her .stroke her .tease her .comfort her .protect her .hug her .hold her .spend money on her .wine & dine her .buy things for her .listen to her .care for her .stand by her .support her .go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: .Show up naked. .Bring beer.

Joke 76

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Joke 75

"HAVE YOU TRIED TAI CHI?" "NO, I DON'T LIKE SPICY FOOD."

Joke 74

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just spots."

Joke 73

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 72

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Joke 71

The Saga of Hotel Soap The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in mybathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chestand another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicinecabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placedinside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars onthe bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do youre alize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing soI personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I leftin your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4and 1 stack of 2. - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacksare neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Copyright: Shelly Berman "A Hotel Is a Place"S. Berman

Joke 70

Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly stopped, turned aroundd and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the filigt attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger aasked. "No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find another pilot." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 69

An old couple was sitting on the veranda as they had for many years. "I was just thinking", said the old lady, "we've haaad a great life togehther, but sooner or later, one of us will pass away." "Yes, but don't worry about that now," said her husband. "Well, I was just thinking, when it happens, I think I'd like to go to Scotland." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 68

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Joke 67

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack) "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Joke 66

A wife comes running home from the store and into the house screaming at the top of her lunga, „Pack, pack! I won the lottery!“ The husband, all exicited, runs up to her and says, „Pack? Where are we going? The islands? The mountains? Pack for where?“ The wife replies, „I don't give a damn. Just pack and GET OUT!“Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 65

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke 64

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended. God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!" God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

Joke 63

A car was involved in accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A new paper reporter, anxios to get his story, could not get near the car. Beeing a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, „Let me throug! Let me trough! I am the son of the victim.“ The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 62

Little Debbie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her Daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..."

Joke 61

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:"I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Joke 60

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the student body: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $500. Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $1000. A third time will cost you $2000. Any questions?" A male voice: "How much for a season pass?"

Joke 59

Three kids are playing in the street and get hit by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court. The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "....clumsy bastard.." And so, 20 years later................. he's still playing left back for England...

Joke 58

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 57

God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people." Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and more good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news that that OS/2 stops shipping Thursday.

Joke 56

This joke was sent to us by Mr. Michael Schwanhäuser of the insider-bookstore. Thanks :-) A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Joke 55

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivides attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 54

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Joke 53

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss per meter," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten meters." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Joke 52

Jesus and Joseph Jesus is walking around heaven, feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and goes up to him. Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father." Old Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son." Jesus: "Well, my father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a son anyway." Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real son, either, but I loved him as my own." Jesus: "Well, my father was a carpenter." Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter, too!" Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical transformation and became something completely different from what I'd been before." Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my son!" Jesus: "Father!" Old Man: "Pinocchio!"

Joke 51

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Joke 50

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, „Does your dog bite?“„No,“ replied the boy. Just then the hug dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, „I thought your dog doesn't bite!“ „He doesn't“ replied the boy, „That's not my dog!“ Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 49

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Certainly, just a second."

Joke 48

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . .had to be a girl! We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

Joke 47

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas at Microsoft when the first bug appeared, my manager said to me see if it happens again. when the second bug appeared, my manager said to me ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the third bug appeared, my manager said to me try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fourth bug appeared, my manager said to me use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fifth bug appeared, my manager said to me ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the sixth bug appeared, my manager said to me reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the seventh bug appeared, my manager said to me say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eighth bug appeared, my manager said to me find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the ninth bug appeared, my manager said to me blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the tenth bug appeared, my manager said to me change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eleventh bug appeared, my manager said to me say its not supported, change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the twelfth bug appeared, my manager said to me tell them its a feature of Microsoft, say its not supported, change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.

Joke 46

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Joke 45

This is the "hairy story": What happened to me this Easter.... I was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. Sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pull over and get out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to my dismay, the rabbit is dead. I feel so awful that I begin to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees me crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks me what's wrong. "I feel terrible," I explain, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of us and hops off down the road. One meter away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another meter, turns and waves, hops another meter, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. I was astonished. I turn to woman and demand, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that I can read the label. It says -and you won't believe this: (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Joke 44

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Joke 43

A priest is walking down the road when he sees one of his parishoners walking the other way. His arm is in a sling, his head in bandages and he's on crutches with his leg in plaster. The priest cries out: "Mick! Mick! Lord, Mick, what have you been doing? Oh, Mick, you have been foightin' Mick! Mick, foightin' is an evil ting Mick...an evil ting! Oh, have mercy Lord, Mick has been foightin'." Mick stands and says nothing. "Tell, me Mick, who did this to ya? Who did this evil ting to ya Mick?"Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy, father" "Paddy Murphy! Oh Mick, Paddy Murphy is an evil man, Mick! He is a heethen Mick, heethen I tell ya! Oh, Mick, no, not Paddy Murphy, Mick!" Mick says, "He was holdin' a beeseball bat, Father." "A beeseball bat! My God, Mick! Tell me Mick, what were you holdin'?" Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy's wife."

Joke 42

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" " No way!" " Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Joke 41

My wife came home from work the other day and told me that her car was making funny noises. Of couse she asked me to look at it. Wanting to do my part in helping her become an indepedent woman, I suggested that she find the problem herself or take it to a mechanic.(actually I wouldn't know a spark plug from a air filter) So she scowls at me and huffs and puffs out the door. When she returned, I asked in my best concerned voice, "Everything okay with your car now dear?" "Yes...but no thanks to you"! she replied. "I was worried that the mechanic might try to rip me off." "But I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."

Joke 40

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Joke 39

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Joke 38

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!" "Really?," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Joke 37

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of patients to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that everything was just fine until someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

Joke 36

A jet-set Lebanese parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone,dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions,the Lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW,which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"

Joke 35

My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Joke 34

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Joke 33

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Joke 32

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?" "You`re going to die."

Joke 31

What's Happening The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!" The master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have already told you. If you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so". John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the Master hears a knock on the door. "Yes?" John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir, the Thames".

Joke 30

If you could imagine this, two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

Joke 29

A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display in his art gallery. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings!" "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's the bad news?"..."The guy was your doctor."

Joke 28

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Joke 27

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we are stuck here for some time." "The really good news is that this not United Airlines!"

Joke 26

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.. Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

Joke 25

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD... DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"

Joke 24

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Joke 23

The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use? The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use?

Joke 22

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Joke 21

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly" replied the his Doctor

Joke 20

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.he monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

Joke 19

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then said, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Joke 18

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Joke 17

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.

Joke 16

God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!"

Joke 15

Fresh out of college, a blonde began her new job as an elementary school counselor. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the rest of the kids played soccer. She asked if he was all right and the boy said he was fine. a little while later she approached him again. „Would you like me to be your friend?“ she asked. The boy hesitated then said, „OK.“ Feeling that she was making progress, she then asked, „Why are you standing all alone?“„Because,“ the boy said, „I'm the goalie.“

Joke 14

After the honeymoon A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, so -- how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? "WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, iron,Cook...

Joke 13

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A: E.T. phoned home.

Joke 12

Wedding night Not Miss A Thing A honeymoon couple book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume, a see through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man, in his cotton pajamas (plus white tie cord) stands at the window looking out at the sky. "Come to bed dear" she coos seductively. "Not tonight dear" he replies, "my mum said that this would be the best night of my life and I don't want to miss anything".

Joke 11

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

Joke 10

God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!“

Joke 9

Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Joke 8

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Joke 7

Burglar & Jesus Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Joke 6

The Joys of Yiddish The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."

Joke 5

Pope and fishing Priests A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."

Joke 4

All things are relative A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly, just a second."

Joke 3

Q: What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common? A: Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them.

Joke 2

Pepsi and Coke An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things' ??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Joke 1

Where is God ? In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

Joke 445

Question: A person who speaks three languages is called „trilingual“. And a person, who speaks two languages is called „bilingual“. What do you call a person, who only speaks one language? Answer: American!

Joke 444

A passengertrain is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor outside. „What's going on?“ she yells out the window. „Cow on the track!“ replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow place. Within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor again. She leans out the window an yells: „What happened“ Did we catch up with the cow again?“

Joke 443

A woman patient had been going to a psychiatrist for three years. Finally, at the end of a visit, the doctor said: „It is my pleasure to pronounce you completely cured.“ An unhappy expression came over the woman's face. „What's wrong?“ asked the doctor „I thought you'd be greatly pleased.“ „That's what you thought“she said „But look at it from my point of view, three years ago, I was Joan of Arc, now I'm nobody.“

Joke 442

On a transatlantik flight, a priest finds himself seated next to a rabbi. They start talking and become quite friendly. After a while the priest says to the rabbi: „Have you ever eaten a ham sandwich?“ The rabbi confesses that he did indeed once eat a ham sandwich. he then says to the priest: „Father, you ever had sex with a woman?“The priest confesses that he has. „Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?“ says the rabbi.

Joke 441

A woman, who played cards one night a month with a couple of friends, was concerned, that she always woke up her husband, when she came home around 1:30 at night. One night she tried not to rouse him. She undressed in the livingroom and, purse over her arm, tiptoed nude in the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. „Damm woman!“ he exclaimed. „Did you lose everything?“

Joke 440

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for 600 Dollar. The doctor exclaimed: „This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!“ The plumber: „Neither did I when I was a doctor.“

Joke 439

A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian, where the self-help books were. She replied: „If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.“

Joke 438

Rebbe, I don't understand, if you go to a poor man, he is friendly and offers help. But if you go to a rich man, he doesn't even look at you. What is it with all that money?“ The Rabbi said: „Go to the window. What do you see?“ „I see a woman with a child. And a barrow on the way to the market.“ „Well, and now go to the mirror, what do you see?“ „Nu, Rebbe, what am I gonna see? Myself.“ „Now you see, the window is made out of glass, and the mirrow is made out of glass. It needs just a bit of silver behind it, and then you only see your own face.“

Joke 437

There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided. They groped their way out of their cars and approached each other. „I had right of way!“ said the first. „Possibly, but it doesn't matter,“ replied the other, „We are in my garage.“ Joke 436

Joke 436

My mother in law said: When you're dead, i'll dance on your grave.“ „Good“, I said, „I'm going to make sure I'm buried at sea.“

Joke 435

My mother in law said: "When you're dead, I'll dance on your grave." "Good", I said, "I'm going to make sure I'm buried at sea."

Joke 434

Teacher on a parents-evening: „I will now explain the progressive techniques of motivation by which children are taught - please keep quiet, sit up straight and don't fidget.“

Joke 433

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Joke 432

Asked what he thought about heaven and hell, Mark Twain replied: „I don't want to express an opinion, because I have friends in both places.“

Joke 431

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

Joke 430

„Congratulations Harry,“said the bridgegroom's uncle. „I'm sure, you'll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life.“„But I'm not getting married until tomorrow,“ replied Harry. „I know, I know, replied his uncle.

Joke 429

One day around ten o'clock in the morning as the boss arrived at the barber's, he saw his bookkeeper aitting there. „What, you're having a haircut during your work time?“ „Well“, the bookkeeper replied, „My hair was growing during work time as well.“

Joke 428

A merchant from Genoa had to go to a business trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him about the sentence by email. After the trial his solicitor sent a mail: „Justice has triumphed.“ Right away he got a response: „Appeal immediately.“

Joke 427

Two old hippies arrange to meet each other. „So, are we going to meet tomorrow?“„Yeah“ „Where?“ „Wherever you want to.“ „And when?“ „Makes no difference to me.“ „Ok. But please, be on time.“

Joke 426

A woman browsing though an antique store, sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer. She recognizes the saucer as a rare antique piece. Trying to be clever, she says to the lady running the store: How much do you want for the cat?“ The woman says: “Ten pounds.“ The buyer goes on: While I'm at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer?“ The cat seems to enjoy drinking from it.“ The shopkeeper shakes her head: Sorry, but so far I've sold nineteen cats from that one saucer.“

Joke 425

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Joke 424

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your children says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Joke 423

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher

Joke 422

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Joke 421

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Joke 420

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her breasts went!

Joke 419

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Joke 418

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Joke 417

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.

Joke 416

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! “Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year" There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

Joke 415

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hit the roof-and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated CHRISTIAN FISH EMBLEM on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Joke 414

Leather... When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally... Ever wonder why? Because she smells like a new car.

Joke 413

Dramatic new health discovery! The japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. On the other hand, the french eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. The italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the british or americans. Conclusion: eat and drink what you like. It's speaking english that kills you!

Joke 412

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again, and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read " William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case.

Joke 411

A woman used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"

Joke 410

The loaded mini-van pulled in to the a campsite. Four children jumped from the car and began to feverishly unload the gear and set up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some extraordinary display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

Joke 409

A woman used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day she got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. She told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Eastern or Pacific time?"

Joke 408

Here is a purported to be true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. However, three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Joke 407

The chaplain in a university residence hall, was supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a little kitten adopted him. The freshmen in his dorm kept his secret. They covered for him by calling his kitten "the Book," since he had so many in his room. One morning he was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped him and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?" He explained that he was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," he told him. "Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."

Joke 406

A nun and a priest are driving through the country on their way to an event. The nun has had quite a lot of water to drink on the drive and can't hold it much longer. They are both getting hungry as well so they stop at a 'hooters' which happens to be the only restaurant for miles, to get a bite to eat. As they are waiting to be seated the lights go off for a second and then turn back on and everyone erupts in laughter and applause. The nun and priest are confused but disregard it anyways. The nun asks the hostess where the washroom is and is directed where to go. “I must warn you though,” says the hostess, “there is a statue of a naked man in our washroom, though there is a leaf covering his private parts.” The nun assures the hostess that she will be fine as she will just advert her eyes. The nun goes to the washroom and comes back out a couple minutes later to the entire restaurants applause. Confused she asks the waitress, why the applause. The waitress replies: “Everytime someone lifts the leaf on the naked man in the womens washroom, the lights go out.”

Joke 405

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”. In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Joke 404

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Joke 403

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George W. Bush in the Oval Office. “Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilians were killed in Iraq today.” Bush buries his face in his hands, muttering “My God…My God”. “Mr. President,”says Rumsfeld, “we lose soldiers all the time, and it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?” Bush: ”Exactly how many is a Brazilian?”

Joke 402

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,"We missed the " R " ! , we missed the " R " !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!!"

Joke 401

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria.

Joke 400

One day a young programmer is walking to work, when a frog on the side of the road starts to talk to him. “Young man, come and kiss me, and I will turn into a beautiful princess!” The young man stops and looks curiously at the frog, then picks it up and puts it into his pocket, and continues to walk to work. From his pocket, the frog says, “Hey, didn't you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and love you forever!” The man takes the frog out of his pocket, looks at it and says, “Look, I'm a developer. I don't have time for a girlfriend - but a talking frog, that's cool.”

Joke 399

There are 2 women: One blonde walked into a bar. The redhair ducked.

Joke 398

A guy is walking past a School for The Mentally Challenged on a hot afternoon. There is a high wooden fence between him and the yard, and he can hear children's voices chanting, “Eleven! Eleven! Eleven!” As he walks, the chanting continues, but up ahead, he spots a knothole in the fence. Curious as to what the kids are doing, he peeks through the hole in the fence. Before he can jump back, a finger pokes him in the eye. After several seconds of laughter, the chant begins again…“Twelve! Twelve! Twelve!”

Joke 397

A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper responds, “You have a drink named Jim?”

Joke 396

So the hot dog vendor hands the buddhist a hot dog, and the buddhist gives the man a twenty dollar bill. The vendor says 'thanks' and the buddhist asks “where's my change?” To which the vendor responded “Change must come from within.”

Joke 395

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” To this the entire congregation said, “Amen.”

Joke 394

Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they don't believe anyone can see the light anyway.

Joke 393

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours him a drink. He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” He downs that one and says again: „Give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?” The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don't have any money.”

Joke 392    

I was wondering why the football was getting bigger… And then it hit me. … Dieser Witz funktioniert aufgrund eines Wortspiels: „something hitting someone“ = jemand begreift etwas...

Joke 391

An old cowboy was sitting at a bar, when a young lady walked up beside him and asked him if he was a cowboy. The old timer said “let's see.”" I wake up in the morning and put on my boot's and hat, I climb up on my horse and ride from sun up to sundown roping and rounding up cattle. I also mend fences and dig out water holes so, yup, I guess I am a cowboy.” He looks over at the little lady and asks what she is. She says: „Well, I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning I think about women, all during the day I think about women, at supper I think about women when I go to bed I think about women. So that is what I am a Lesbian. Five minutes later another lady came into the bar and asked the old cowboy the same question. He said “up until five minutes ago I would have said yes, but meanwhile I found out, I am a lesbian.”

Joke 390

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead run into a barn to hide from kidnappers. They find three large, empty brown sacks on the floor, and before the kidnappers could enter the barn after them, they each hid in one of those sacks. The kidnappers, finding the three squirming sacks suspicious, went up to the sack containing the brunette and kicked it. “Meow!” said the brunette. “That's just a sack full of kittens,” said one kidnapper dismissively, and they moved on to the sack containing the redhead. They kicked the sack. “Woof, woof!” said the redhead. - “That's just a sack full of puppies,” said the other kidnapper, and they moved on to the sack containing the blonde. They kicked the sack. “Potatoes! Potatatoes” said the blonde.

Joke 389

A Jewish man is troubled, and goes to his Rabbi for advice. “Rabbi, my son lived abroad for some time and came back a Christian.” Said the Rabbi: “Funny you should say that, my son went to college and he, too, came back a Christian. Why don't we ask God?” As they are praying, they hear God answer: “Funny you should say that but my son also …”

Joke 388

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me.... they're cramming for their final exam.

Joke 387

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice: “Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead.” A shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Joke 386

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” - “Of course. What may I do for you?” “Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” - “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father.”

Joke 385

A rich man is on his deathbed and fears going to hell. He calls his assistant and instructs him, “Give twenty dollars to charity in my name.” He then dies and appears at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asks him “What have you ever done that merits your entrance into heaven?” Shakily, the man replies, “I gave twenty dollars to charity.” Peter shakes his head and responds, “Let me go ask the Boss about this one.” After a short time, he returns, and the rich man asks, “What did He say?” Peter relplies, “He said, 'Return his twenty dollars and tell him to go to hell.'”

Joke 384

A man goes to see his doctor, because he thinks, that his wife is going deaf. The doctor says: „Well, here's how you can test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her, and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to find out, just how bad her hearing is“. The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says: „Darling, what's for dinner?“ He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. „Darling, what's for dinner?“ Still no answer. He repeats this serveral times, until he's standing almost next to her. Finally, she answers: „For the tenth time, I said we're having CURRY!“

Joke 383

My kids love surfing the web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on a Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was „MickyMinniGoofyPluto“, and so I asked, why it was so long. „Because“ they explained „They say it has to have at least four characters“. FALLS SIE SICH WUNDERN: Characters bedeutet sowohl „Zeichen“ oder „Buchstaben“ als auch „Figuren“ bzw. „Charaktere“

Joke 382

The average man's life consists of 20 years of having his mother ask him, where he is going; 40 years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wonder...

Joke 381

There was life, before the computer. I remember the days when: An application was what you wrote, to get a job. A program was something an TV. A cursor was somebody, who swore a lot. A keyboard was something, you could play. Memory was something, that you lost with age. If you had broken disc, you couldn't work for weeks. Compress was something, you did rubbish, not to a file. And if you unzipped anything in a public, you'd be in jail for a while! IF YOU WANT TO COMPAIR: Computer-Begriffe: application= Anwendung, program= Programm, cursor= (Maus-)ZEIGER-Ikon auf Bildschirm, keyboard= Tastatur, memory= Speicher, disc= Diskette, to compress= komprimieren, to unzip= entzippen.

Joke 380

A man sees a duck walking into a bar. Curious, he follows. The duck grabs a seat and the bartender walks over. The duck makes some typical duck noises, the bartender nods and brings over a mixed drink, which the duck drinks. The man waves the bartender over, and says “That's amazing! How did you understand what the duck was saying?” The bartender gives a perplexed look: “Quack?”

Joke 379

Five Belgiens in a Audi Quattro arrive at the French boarder. A French customs officer stops them and says: „Quattro means four. There are too many people in this car. One of you has to get out“. „Quattro is just the name of the car, for goodness sake“ replies the driver. „Look, everybody knows, that the car is designed to carry five people. If you don't believe me, call your boss“. „He can't come right now“ says the customs officer. „He's busy with two people in a Fiat Uno“.

Joke 378

BIRTHDAY SURPRISE The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's birthday. "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk. "You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Joke 377

In a small midwestern conservative town, there wasn't a place to get a drink for miles around, so a local entrepreneur saw an opportunity: He started to build a tavern. Liking a "dry" town, the local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. The businessman was polite when congregants came to protest, but work continued on the tavern. But the night before the grand opening, a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their piousness after that -- until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the destruction of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. At the first hearing, the judge held up the paperwork and took in the lawyers and both sides of the lawsuit. "I don't know how I'm going to decide this," the judge said, "but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't." Author Unknown

Joke 376

A burglar has just broken into a house, he's intending to ransack, and he's looking round for things to steal. Suddenly a little voice pipes up: „I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ Startled, the burglar looks around the room , but there's no one there at all, so he goes back to his business. But again the voice says: „I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ The burglar jumps up again, and takes a closer look around the room. Sure enough, in the corner by the window, almost obscured by the curtains, is a cage with a parrot in it, who pipes up again: I can see you, and so can Jesus!“ „And what of it?“ says the burglar, „you're only a bird!“ To which the parrot replies: „Maybe, but Jesus is a Pitbull!“

Joke 375

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room an comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says: Take the green pill with a big glas of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glas water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.“ Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: „What's my problem, doc?“The doctor says: „You're not drinking enough water.“

Joke 374

A duckhunter, proud of his marksmanship, took his son out one morning, so that he could witness his skill. After some time, a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," wispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle, there flies a dead duck."

Joke 373

To God I speak Spanish, to woman Italien, to men French and to my horse in German. Emeror Charles V (1500-1558) on European languages

Joke 372

An overweight blonde wants to lose weight, so she consults her doctor for advice. The doctor suggests, that she runs ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promises, would cause her to lose twelve pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and after thirty days, is pleased to find, that she has indeed lost twelve pounds. She phones the doctor and thanks him for his wonderful advice. The doctor says, he would like to see her again that very morning. To wich the blonde replies: „No, that's not going to be possible, I'm now 300 miles away!“

Joke 371

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman have been marooned on a desert island for years, when one day they find a bottle with a genie inside it. The genie grants them with a wish. „I wish I was back in London“ says the Englishman, and in a flash he's gone. „I wish I was back home in Edinburgh“says the Scotsman, and in a flash he's gone. „Oh, it's so lonely here now“ says the Irishman, „I wish, my two mates were still here with me.“

Joke 370

It was announced yesterday, that censors have banned the broadcasting of a tv-show, that claimed to introduce people to the worlds of jazz and classical music. Their reasoning? Too much sax and violins. FÜR ALLE, DIE NOCH NICHT LACHEN KÖNNEN: Es geht um die ähnliche Aussprache von: sex an violence = Sex und Gewalt vs. sax and violins = Saxophon und Violinen

Joke 369

"If you can tell me how many sweets I have in my bag, you can have them both."

Joke 368

A plane is in a heavy thunderstorm. As the passengers are beeing bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turns to a priest, sitting next to her and asks with a nervous laugh: „Father, you're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?“ The priest replies: „Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.“

Joke 367

Jake, the avid golfer, contacts a medium and asks, if there is a golf course in heaven. The medium tells him, that this is a strange request, but she will try to find out, and get back to him in a few days. After several days, Jake gets a call from the medium: „What did you find out?“Jake asks. „Well, I've got good news and bad news for you“ says the medium. „Ok, what's the good news?““That there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in heaven, and you'll have 24-hour access with your own personal caddy“answers the medium. „And the bad news?“„You're due to tee-off at 9:30 on sunday morning!“

Joke 366

Q: What's the main difference between ignorance and cognition? A: I don't know and I don't think you can compare the two!

Joke 365

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman. After several minutes the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought: "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face" The ugly woman thought: "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought: "That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

Joke 364

A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief. The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, ten cookies and a glass of milk."

Joke 363

Q: What's one of the pros of marrying a man who owns a donkey? A: Unlimited supply of natural gas.

Joke 362

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the pub owner is surprised to see the Australian - assumedly dead - walking through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20." - "Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?" - "The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

Joke 361

Q: Why don't people with Parkinsons drink Cokes at McDonalds? A: They have the shakes instead.

Joke 360

This bloke is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

Joke 359

Q: What's the difference between a laywer and a vulture? A: Laywers aren't an endangerd species.

Joke 358

A tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Joke 357

Q: How many paranoic people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Who want's to know?

Joke 356

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? You need to know how "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" works . . . ) (der Satz „soll ich es einloggen?“ heißt drüben „Is that your final answer?“) A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."

Joke 355

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Joke 354

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, Reverend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "Man, have you found Jesus yet?" Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he drowned?"

Joke 353

CHASING RABBITS The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. TheCIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming." The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!" Author Unknown

Joke 352

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

Joke 351

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: This car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. The driver's license was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!

Joke 350

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they knew the correct answers, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. Next Amanpreet came in. The doctor: "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet: "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind." "Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "Sure doc, my hat would fall down over my eyes."

Joke 349

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill...“

Joke 348

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain..." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say...," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Joke 347

One day the Pope came to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive?" The driver thinks, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you might get pulled over. The police are behind us" The Pope, "ahhh, I'm the Pope." So he continues to drive fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says, "sure". The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who, "The President?." "No more important." "The president of another country." "No more important." "An ambassador." "No even more important." "Well who is it." "I don't know, but he is being chauffeured by the Pope."

Joke 346

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Joke 345

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking hair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

Joke 344

The little camel asks his mother: Mum why do we have these humps? Because in these humps there is water and fat because in the desert we can neither drink nor eat for many days on end. And why do we have fur? Because the dessert the nights are cold and so we don't feel cold. And why do we got these big hoofs? Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot sand. But where is the desert here in the zoo?

Joke 343

A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair. And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful. "And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!" "Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snaps his fingers and disapperes, and suddenly the whole room ist filled with dugs, a million of them. There is hardly room for the people to breathe any longer. The bar keeper: "But I wated DOLLARS, not dugs" The man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?" 
Habe den Begriff "dugs" nachgeschlagen. er wurde gewählt, weil er wie ein schlampig gespochenes "dollar" klingen kann (= die anlogie zur pointe). also, für alle, die nicht nachschlagen wollen, hier ist die lösung: dug = an udder, breast, or teat of a female animal (Zitze)

Joke 342

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Joke 341

A scientist studied insects. One day, he placed a large locust on his workbench and taught it to jump. He then wrote in his notebook, Locust has learned to jump" The scientist cut off one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he wrote in his note book, locust with three legs, jumps as well as before." The scientist cut of another leg. The scientist cut off one of one of the locusts legs. After the experiment he jotted down: „Even with two legs it jumped.“ The scientist cut off one more leg. After the experiment he jotted down: „It's only a small jump with one leg...“ The scientist cut off his last leg. an hour later he gave up and wrote in his notebook, locust without legs has gone deaf."

Joke 340

A Glashow wife arrived home from shopping and put six bottles of wisky and one loaf of bread on the table. Her husband saw this and shouted at her angrily: „What in the Lord's name did you bring all the bread for, woman?“

Joke 339

Scotland Do you know how the Grand Canyon came about? A Scotsman lost a sixpence.

Joke 338

Italy A Texan, on holiday in Italy, is trying to impress his host. He brags about everything imaginable - the size of the vegetables, the size of the cattle, the size of the eatates and finally, since his listener is still totally unimpressed, the size of Texas. „You know,“ he says, „you can get on a train and, 24 hours later, you're still in texas.“„Well,“ replies the Italien, „we have that problem all the time?“

Joke 337

Israel Isaac was dying, and his family gathered round his bedside. „Mama,“ he wispered. „I'm here, Isaac.“ „Miriam,“ he sighed. „I'm here, Papa.“ „Sally?“ „Here, Papa.“ „Jakob?“ „I'm here, too, Papa.“ „Then who the hell is minding the shop?“

Joke 336

Germany A group of german tourists makes its way to the top of Mount Etna and looks into the smoke-filled crater. One of them turns to his neighbour and says: „I looks just like hell.“ The Italien guide hears this, shakes his head and mutters: „Oh, these Germans! They've been everywhere!“

Joke 335

French When General de Gaulle died, Noel Coward was asked what he thought theGeneral and God would find to talk about Heaven. Coward replied: „That depends on how good God's French is.“

Joke 334

England During an afternon television programme on sex the audience was asked: „How many people here have sex more than three times a week?“ There was a weak show of hands. „And how many have sex once a month?“ A sea of hands shot up. „Anyone less than that?“ One delighted man waved his arm enthusiastically. „Onece a year,“ he said. „But tonight's the night.“

Joke 333

China One day Afanti goes to his landlord and asks to boorow a wok, as he has guests coming and his own is not big enough to cook all the food in. The landlord says yes, and a few days later Afani returns bringing two wooks, the original and a tiny one. „While I had it in my care your wok gave birth to a tiny one.“ The landlord gleefully accepts the simpleton's offering. Some time later Afani again comes and asks if he can borrow the landlord's biggest wok and of course is told yes. Many days go by and eventually Afanti returns sad and empty-handed. „Alas, your poor wok!“ he laments. „It died.“ - „What nonsens, everyone knows that woks can't die.“ - „If they can give birth they can surely die,“ Afanti, and calmly away. J.C. Yang, Xenophobe's guide to the Chinese.

Joke 332

Belgium „I don't like tongue in wine sauce. The idea of eating something that has been in a cow's mouth disgusts me.“ „How about eggs....?“

Joke 331

McGregor went to see his doctor for a medical checkup. As requested by the doctor, he took along a specimen of urine in an unusually big bottle. After the test, he rushed home. „Everything alright?“ his wife wanted to know. „Well, he said it would take a couple of days but then we will know, what shape Anne, you, aount Mary, the kids and the dog and myself are in.“

Joke 330

The smallest book in the world: An Italien history of heroes, and a compendium of German humor.

Joke 329

The following joke, wich probably originated at a conference of journalists, pokes fun at various national faiblesses - French lust, German seriousness, American bragging, British colonialism etc. English: Hunting elephants in Britis Africa. French: The love life of elephants in French Equatorial Africa. German: The origin and development at the East African elephant in the years 1200-1950 (600 pages). American: How to bread bigger and better elephants. Russian: How we sent an elephant to the moon. Swede: Elephants and the welfare state. Dane: Elephant-meat and smorrebrod. Indian: The elephant as a means of transportation before the railway era. Finnish: What the elephants think about Finland. Richard D. Lewis: When cultures collide.

Joke 328

Two HGVS (LKW.s) loaded with thousand of copies of Roget.s Thesaurus collided as they left a London publishers last friday, according to the Times. Witnesses were said to be stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....

Joke 327

A young man is driving his new sportscar along a quit countrylane. Ther's no traffic about so he risks accelerating to 70 mph, then 80 an then 90. He rounds a bend and all of a sudden sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man pulls the steering wheel sharply to the one side, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the moddle of an adjacent field. Observing this, one of the farmers turns to the other and says: "That was lucky, Fred. I reckon we got out of that field just in the nick o'time."

Joke 326

Why are computer scientists such lousy lovers? Because they're always trying to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they claim that performance has improved.

Joke 325

What's the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket an a man arguing with a woman? The man buying the ticket at least has a one in 16 million chance of winning!

Joke 324

Before taking an exam, the professor tells the class that any exampaper that is not on his desk in exactly three hours time will not be accepted, and the student will fail. After three hours all the students have handed in their papers, except for one, who continues to write. Finally, he attempts to put his paper on the top of those already on the professor's desk. „Im not going to accept that,“ says the professeor. „It's too late.“ The student looks astonished. „Don't you know who I am?“ he asks. „No, as a matter of fact, I don't,“ says the professor. „Good,“ says the student, and quickly shoves his exampaper into the middle of the pile.

Joke 323

While looking through his filing cabinet one day, a govermant employee comes across an old brass lamp. „This would look on my mantelpiece,“ he thinks and starts to polish it. To his surprise a genie appears and grants him three wishes. „I wish for a cold pint of beer right now!“ POOF! A pint appears before him on his desk, which he picks up and downs in one. He thinks for a bit longer about his second wish and says: „I wish to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women. POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish. „I wish I never had to work ever again.“ POOF! He's back in his goverment office.

Joke 322

A beggar goes up to a well-dressed woman who is just coming out of Harrods and says, „Excuse me, madam. I haven't eaten anything in four days.“ She looks at him and replies: „God, I wish I had your willpower.“

Joke 321

A couple was driving along a countryroad, not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a farmyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked: „Relatives of yours?“„Yep,“ the husband replied, „In-laws.“

Joke 320

„Why did you escape from prison?“ a policeman asks the fugitive. „I wanted to get married.“ „Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom.“

Joke 319

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like that.“

Joke 318

A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man, sitting alone. She said: „Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200.“ „Wonderful“said the man. „Paint my house.“

Joke 317

As a young manager is leaving the office late one evening, she sees the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder. The CEO says: „I have a very important document here, and my secretary has already gone home for the evening. I don't suppose you could help me?“„Sure,“ says the manager, eager to make a good impression. She puts the paper in the shredder and presses the start button. „Thank you so much!“ says the CEO, „I need two copies.“

Joke 316

An English professor writes on a board: „A woman without her man is nothing“ an asks his students to punctuate the sentence. A male student writes: „A woman without her man, is nothing.“ A female student writes: „A woman: without her, man is nothing.“

Joke 315

A woman rushes home from work one night and tells her husband: "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband excitedly asks: "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" She says: "Pack them all, you're leaving!"

Joke 314

An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal, but only moved, when the rider said "Thank God" and stopped, when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said:"Thank God" and immediately the horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster and faster, he shouted:" Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said: "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief: "Thank God!"

Joke 313

What did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For is the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of the chickens to cross the road MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was an histirical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Joke 312

An american salesman submitted his expenses account. After checking it over, the employer said: "I can't honor this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."

Joke 311

"Ivan, have you heard, Einstein is coming to Odessa.""Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?" "No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity'." "What's that?" "Well, how can I explain this ...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?" "A little." "And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup ..." "Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?"

Joke 310

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says: "Congratulations!" "Congratulations on what?" asks the lawyer. "Congratulations for what?" repeats Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old." " But that's not true"says the lawyer, "I only lived to be forty." "That's impossible" says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

Joke 309

Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and roomservice, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."

Joke 308

Question: What's even smarter than speaking several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut in one.

Joke 307

A college professor to a pharmacist: "Please, give me some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid." "Don't you mean aspirin?" "That's it. I can never remember that name!"

Joke 306

Isaac was walking by the lakeside in December. Suddenly he noticed his friend Löwenthal wriggling in an icehole. "Löwenthal, did you break through?" "Nu, winter caught me swimming!"

Joke 305

A blonde wants to go icefishing. After reading many books on the subject and purchasing the necessary equipment, she makes her way out on to the ice. She positions her chair, starts to cut a hole, when suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice booms: "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the blonde moves further down the ice and begins to cut another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellows: "There are no fish under the ice!" She stops, looks skyward and says: "Is that you, LORD?" The voice replies: "No, I'm the ice-rink-manager!"

Joke 304

Stranger: "Catch any fish?" Fisherman: "Did I?!? I took thirty out of this stream this Morning!" Stranger: "Do you know who I am?" I'm the game warden." Fisherman: "Do you know who I am? I'm the biggest liar in the country."

Joke 303

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him an threatened to fire him, if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him, to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "the pill actually worked!" "That's all fine", said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Joke 302

"Mum, mum, I don't want to go to school today." "Why not, dear?" "Tey all hat me there, mum, they laugh at my haircut, call me names and some of the big boys keep trying to take my dinner money off me." "But Daniel, you have to go, you are the director after all.

Joke 301

Why did the Israelis stay out of the gulf war? Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years wandering around the desert.

Joke 300

Billy and his mother are at the zoo. "Mum, look over there! The gorilla looks like uncle Bernard." "Shame on you, you shouldn't say things like that." "Sorry mum, but I'm sure, the gorilla didn't hear me."

Joke 299

Will you understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation? This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine." RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" G: "What?" RS:"An toes. July ! Sahn toes?" G: "I don't think so." RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bodder?" G: "No...just put the bodder on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Excuse me?" RS: "Copy...tea...meel?" G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."

Joke 298

A fifty-year-old woman has a heart attack and is taken to hospital, where, upon the operating table she has a near death experience. Seeing God, she asks: "Is my time up?" God replies: "No, you'll live another thirty years." So the woman decides that as she has so much more time to live, she might as well look good. She has a facelift, liposuction, and dyes her hair another colour. But just as she is leaving the hairdresser's, she is run over by a car. Arriving in front of God she says: "I thought you said I had another thirty years! Lord, why did you let me get killed?" God answers: "Because I didn't recognise you!"

Joke 297

What's the late-night difference between an bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Joke 296

A womanwalked up to a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look "she said. "What's yout secret for a long happy life?" "Well, I smoke at least sixty cigarettes a day" he started, "I also drink a crate of beer a day, eat fatty foods, and evere exercise." "That's amazing " the woman said. "And how old are you, if I may ask?" "Twenty-eight" he said.

Joke 295

A man, who has recently come into money, bys a villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friends. "Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail." "Against hail?" the friend wondered to himself. "How do you make hail?"

Joke 294

Basic Math for Boss and Employee. Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Joke 293

"Why did you escape from prison?" a poloceman asks the fugitive. "I want to married." "Heh, you have quite a strange view of freedom."

Joke 292

A prison governor is appalled by the poor standard of English used by the inmates in his prison. To rectify this problem he decides to employ a teacher from the localgrammar school, to set up remedial English classes. In the first lesson, the teacher explains that she is going to start with the basics. "Who knows what always comes after a sentence?" she asks. All the prisoners answer together: "The appeal!"

Joke 291

A woman comes back home to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "Have you killed any?" she asks him. "Yes, two males and two females." "How can you tell?" she says. He replies: "Two were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

Joke 290

A golfer was spending ages preparing for his tee shot. "For goodness sake, hurry up" said his partner. "But my wife is watching from the clubhouse," her replied. "This has to be a perfect shot." "Forget it - you'll never hit her from here!"

Joke 289

A sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God lives. A small boy raises his hand and says: "Miss, God lives in our bathroom". "In your bathroom?" asks the teacher. "What makes you think he's in there?" The boy replies: "Because every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts: "God are you still in there?""

Joke 288

On the way to the hospital, a nurse was driving very fast. She failed to heed the stoplight on the corner. A policeman caught up with her on the next block and said: "Doesn't that red light remind you of something?" Replied the nurse: "Oh yes. Someone wants the bedpan."

Joke 287

A passenger on a plane runs up to the stweardess and says: „Quick! Give me a bottle of wiskey. The woman in the seat next to mine has fainted.“ The stewardess hands him the bottle from which he proceeds to take a long slug. „That's better“ says the man, „I can't stand seeing unconscious women.“

Joke 286

A primary school teacher asked her class what their parents did for a living. „Kevin,“ she said „What does your father do all day?“ „He's a dentist“ Kevin replied. „That's wonderful. How about you, Sally,“ said the teacher. "My father is a postman," said Sally shyly. "Thank you, Sally," said the teacher „What about your father, Paul?“ Paul stood up and proudly announced, „My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse.“ The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to maths. After school she went to Paul's house to speak with his father. The teacher explained what his son had said, to which Paul's father replied, „Well, actually I am an attorney but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?“

Joke 285

„Those pills you gave me, don't seem to be helping much, doctor. It's been two weeks now, and I'm the same as if I hadn't taken them.“ „On the contrary, if you hadn't taken them you'd be dead by now.“

Joke 284

When the signal was given, the company climbed out of the trenches and was about to start an assault. Only Miller ran to the back. The captain grabbed him: „The enemy is over there!“ Miller: „Well, I have to get a running start.“

Joke 283

Frenchman to an American in an gallery: „Do you like Toulouse-Lautrec?“ American: „No, I don't like to lose anything.“ Henri Toulouse-Lautrec war ein französischer Maler. Ähnliche Aussprache des französischen namens "Toulouse" und des engl. verbs "to louse" (verlieren)

Joke 282

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for employee: „Before we order, could you please settle an argument? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?“ The girl leaned over the counter and said: „Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiiing.“

Joke 281

Having joined a monastery, a man takes a vow of silence, with the exception of two words every five years. After the first five years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. „Cold floors,“ he replies. The elders nod and send him away for another five years. Time passes, and when he is called in again he says: „Bad food.“They nod and send him away. Five more years go by, and at their next scheduled meeting, he says, „I quit.“ „Well, I can't say that surprises us, „said the eldest elder, „all you've done since you got here is moan and complain.“

Joke 280

There was once a young man whose only desire was to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, „I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“well, his future took a slightly different turn, however he has reached his goal: He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Joke 279

Deep in a forest, a little turtle begins to climb a tree. After hours of hard effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs and rather unsurprisingly goes crashing to the ground below. After recovering, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground once more. He tries again and again, while two birds sit on a branch nearby, watching his sad efforts. Finally the female birds turns to her mate and says: „Don't you think it's time to tell him he was adopted?“

Joke 278

Bush has a short one. Schwarzenegger has a long one. Madonna does not have one, and although the pope has one he does not use it. What is it? A last name!

Joke 277

A woman says: „This place is a mess! You and me have got to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do the laundry right now!“ A man hears: „Blah, blah, blah, COME ON blah, blah, blah, YOU AND ME blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Joke 276

John goes to see his factory supervisor. „Mr. Shorland“ he says „we're having a clear-out at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the loft and the garage, moving stuff and taking rubbish to the dump. Would it be possible to take a day's holiday?“ „We're short-handed, John“ the supervisor replies. „I can't give you the day off.“ „Thanks, Mr. Shorland“says John, „I knew I could count on you!“

Joke 275

Two men are walking in the forest when they se a grizzly coming towards them. The first takes off his rucksack, takes out a pair of trainers, and puts them on. The other looks at him and says: „That's pretty dumb. There's no way you can outrun a grizzly bear!“ „That's true“says his friend. „But then again, I've only got to outrun a PERSON, while you must try to outrun him...“

Joke 274

After a night on the tiles, a university student was proudly showing his new flat to friends. „What is the big brass gong and hammer for?“ one of them asked him. „That's a speaking clock“ he replied. „How does it work?“the friend wanted to know. „Watch“ he said and then gave the gong a wallop with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall: „Be quiet you idiot! It's after midnight!“

Joke 273

An Englishman, a Finn and a Russian are studying a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. “Look at the beautiful garden,“ muses the Englishman. „Only an Englishman could create a garden of such beauty.“ „Rubbish“says the Finn. „They're naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.“ „You're both wrong“ says the Russian. „No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they're told it's paradise - definitely Russian.“

Joke 272

A tramp asked a man for a pound. The man asked: „Will you buy booze with it?“ „No „ said the tramp. The man asked: „Will you gamble it away?“ Again the tramp said: „No.“ The man then asked: „Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man, who doesn't drink and doesn't gamble?“

Joke 271

Patient: „Doctor, Doctor, I can't help stealing things.“ Psychiatrist: „Take one of these pills three times a day and that should help you.“Patient: „But what if it doesn't“? Psychiatrist: „Then get me a DVD-player.“

Joke 270

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, John. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Joke 269

A student from a small country town is accepted at Yale universty. On his first day on campus, he tries to find his way around. He approaches a well-dressed student and asks: „Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at“? The other student replies arrogantly: „Don't you know that one should never end a sentence with a preposition“? „Ok. Where's the library at, you dope“?

Joke 268

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is far away So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Roy give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, And just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"...

Joke 267

Politically Correct Holiday Greeting I wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only „America“ in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer: no trees were harmed in the sending of this message however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced. (Author Unknown)

Joke 266

SOCIALISM: You have two cows and give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and gives you the milk. FASCISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and sells you the milk. NATIONAL SOCIALISM: You have two cows; the government takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM: You have two cows; the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and trows the milk away. CAPITALISM: You have two cows; you sell one and by a bull.

Joke 265

A gorgeous, sexy young woman was walking through a cocktail lounge. Her eye was caught by a very attractive man, sitting alone. "Hello, handsome. I'll do anything you want for 200 Dollar." "Wonderful," said the man "Paint my house."

Joke 264

Basic Math for Boss & Employee: Smart boss + smart employee =profit Smart boss + dumb employee =production Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee =overtime

Joke 263

A man visited a matchmaker for marriage and said: "I am looking for a spouse. Please help me find a suitable one. She should be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. She should tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The advisor listened carefully and replied: "I understand. You need a television."

Joke 262

A small frog goes to a fortuneteller and asks if he is going to meet a young girl. The fortuneteller tells him: "Yes, you are." The frog asks: "Where? In a bar or at a party?" The fortuneteller: "In biology class!"

Joke 261

"What am I suppord to do with this?" grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic fine. "Keep it," the clerk advised. "When you get four to them, you get a bicycle."

Joke 260

I met an old university friend the other day, who in his youth had professed his desire to become a great writer. When I asked him to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" Just discovered he's now working for Microsoft ... writing erroer messages.

Joke 259

Man: "How's your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?"'s your history paper coming along?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the internet for research, and it's beeb very helpful." Man "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

Joke 258

On a rural road a state trooper pulled a farmer over an said: "Sir, do you realize your wifw fell out of the car sveral miles back?" To wich the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

Joke 257

"I've lost my dog." "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper?" "Don't be silly - he can't read."

Joke 256

In China ist ein Sack Reis umgefallen! Und hier die internationalen Reaktionen: News: A Sack of Rice fell over Fact: a sack of rice fell over in the Yunnan district, China. This is how different news media reacted to it: American News CNN: speaker: "Sources in china reported that a sack of rice has fallen over. We switch over to the white house and our correspondent Jack Rabbit." Jack: "The White House is in a state of alert, only few minutes ago the President gave a short note to the press..." President: "We have considered the news from China. And urge the public not to panic, yet." Jack: "...the President was unavailable for further comments. Reliable sources in the Department of Agriculture report that the government does not yet know how to react." USA Today: "New York University statistics professor John D. Merit reported that on average 300 purses are stolen each day in the greater state of New York. Read the full report on page 3-5. In other news: a major catastrophy has hit the rice fields In Hunan, China." Journal of Mathematics: (an article by Chaos Theorist Prof. Martens) "[...]taking the precendence of the recent series of severe storms over Florida, which are speculated to be caused by Chinese butterflies, the government should prepare for a major food shortage within the next 12 to 36 months. [...]" The Inquirer: "Aliens and the chinese government conspired to make sacks of rice fall over. Read full report on page 15." Asian News Republic of China Official Newswire: "Reports of a full sack of rice falling over have been greatly exaggerated. It is true though that half a sack of rice fell over. The rice was yet unboiled and the incident will have no negative effect on Chinese economy." Taiwan News: "No Taiwanese citizens hurt in major rice cultivation failure in China. A leading member of the Democratic Progressive Party reportedly said 'This was a catastrophy waiting to happen', the statement was met with criticism from members of all parties." Japan Nikkai Tribune: "According to sources in Tokio no negative effects of the Chinese rice crisis are expected for the whole of Japan. However, major factories of the Japanese textile industry are standing by to produce unfallable sacks should China require them." India Tribune: "The government decided to tighten border controls on the border to China, since a surge of Chinese refugees is expected after the rice incident in Yunnan. The shift of troops has been met with harsh criticism from the governments of Nepal and Pakistan." European News Germany, FAZ: "Reports from the chinese province of Yunnan indicate that thousands of chinese citizens have been displaced by the fallover of a sack of rice. The foreign minister immediately offered help to the government of china should it be needed. So far the Red Cross has not been allowed to enter the province in order to help. Diplomatic talks are going on behind closed doors in the Kanzleramt in Berlin." The London Times: "A sack of rice fell over in China. No Brits hurt." The Scotsman: "The Scottish Parliament today voted for sending an expert in Scooping-Up to China in order to limit the damage done by the fallen rice." Great Britain, 'the Sun': "Prince Charles' secret love for rice and how it could ruin Great Britain, read page 7." France, Le Monde: "While the Prime Minister and the chinese embassador meet over lunch in Paris, specialists and government officials alike assure the people of France, that the French economy will not be significantly affected by the rice incident." The Financial Times: "Crop market turns problematic." -- "After the incident of the fallen sack of rice in China, the world wide market for crops has suffered significantly. The price for rice has skyrocketed, while the price for barley and rye are expected to stabilize again on the niveau of 1987. Meanwhile the price for asian cotton and whool have plummeted to an all-time low - leading financial experts are speculating that this is the markets retribution for the culprit behind this incident." 'Cooking today' (and other cooking magazines): "1001 rice free recipes." Unquote....

Joke 255

What kind of wine would you recommend for our silver wedding anniversary? Answer: It depends on whether you want to celebrate it or forget it.16. jaA small compact car smashed into the rear of Oliver's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the small car was furious. „Why didn't you put out your hand?“ „What's the point?“ shrugged Oliver. „If you can't see my Cadillac, how could you see my hand?“

Joke 254

A man standing at the grave of his wife laments: „Why did you leave me alone so early? Oh, if I could see you one more time!“ At this moment a mole moves in the grave mound. Immediately the man sets his foot on the grave. „I was only joking!“

Joke 253

A man who has recently come into money buys a villa with a garden. All this he proudly shows his friend. „Of course everything is insured against fire, theft an hail.“„Against hail?“ the friend wondered to himself. „How do you make hail?“

Joke 252

A college chemistry professor in his local drugstore: „Please, some of those tablets called acetylsalicylic acid.“ „You mean Aspirin?“ asked the pharmacist. „That's it. I can never remember that name

Joke 251

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Gates to Hell by a brass band. The Devil runs over, shakes his hand and says: „Congratulations!“„Congratulations on what?“ - „We're celebrating your 160th birthday today.“ „But that's not true“, says the lawyer „it is my 40th birthday today.“ „That's impossible, „ says the Devil, „by adding up all the hours you have charged your customers this is your 160th birthday today...“

Joke 250

Question: What's even smarter than speaking several languages? Answer: Keeping your mouth shut.

Joke 249

The father was slightly annoyed when he said to his inquisitive son: „You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions like you?“The son answered: „You might be able to answer more of mine!“

Joke 248

An englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said „Thank God“ and only stopped when it heard „Amen.“ So he mounted the horse, said „Giddy-up“ and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, „Thank God“, and immediately the horse galloped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse ran faster and faster, he shouted, „Whoah, whoah,“ until he remebered, and then said „Amen“. The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his hankerchief and breathed with relief, „Thank God!“

Joke 247

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting.“

Joke 246

„Do you know Salomon Herschfeld? Ten years ago when he came to Lodz he had nothing but one old pair of trousers, and today the man has got two million!“ „For God's sake, what does he do with two million old pairs of trausers?“

Joke 245

Why did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, beeing an autonomous beeing, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was an historical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Joke 244

A church minister is driving down to Boston, and he's stopped on the highway for speeding. The traffic patrol officer smells alcohol on his breath, and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He asks him: "Sir, have you been drinking?" The minister says: "Just water" The officer: "Then why do I smell wine?" The minister looks down to the bottle and says: "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Joke 243

Weinstein lamenting in the office: „Oh, these headaches, I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses.“„Mr. Weinstein,“ his boss says, „if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here an boasting like that.“

Joke 242

A For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase som popcorn. Handing the attendant 1,50 dollar, he couldn't help but comment: The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..."

Joke 241

A Personal Manager: "You start on Monday. You get paid by efficiency." Applicant: "I'm sorry, I can't live on that!"

Joke 240

A baker was angry about one of his customer's complaints. "I was making bread before you were born," he shouted. "Maybe so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it now?"

Joke 239

A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him: You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not talking to you but to your friend!

Joke 238

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked: „Doctor, will I be able to read wearing glasses?“ „Yes, of course,“ said the doctor. „Why not?“ „Oh! How nice it would be,“ said the patient with joy, „I have been illiterate for so long.“

Joke 237

The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said: „That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. Billy looked at him and said: „I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself.“ „I didn't. That was the echo.“

Joke 236

A woman went to see her rabbi because she wanted to get divorced. „Why?“ the rabbi wanted to know. „I suspect my husband of not being the father of my last child.“

Joke 235

A merchant from Genoa had to go on a business trip just before a trial. He asked his solicitor to inform him about the sentence by e-mail. After the trial his solicitor sent a mail: „Justice has triumphed“. Right away he got a response: „Appeal immediately“.

Joke 234

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud, that they had difficulty in hearing each other. „It's windy, „ said one. „No, it's Thursday,“ said the next. „So am I,“said the third. „Let's go and have a drink!“

Joke 233

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' place. At bedtime, the two boys knelt down beside their beds to say their prayers. Suddenly, the younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs: „I pray for a new bicycle. I pray fo a new Nitendo. I pray for a new videorecorder...“ The older brother leaned over, nudged his younger brother, and said: „Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn.t deaf!“ The little brother replied: „No, but Grandma sure is!“

Joke 232

Paul died, and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department an said: „This is what I want to have printed: Paul is dead.“ The man at the newspaper said: „But for 25 Dollar you are allowed to print six words.“ The woman answered: „OK, then print : Paul is dead, Toyota for sale.“

Joke 231

A man visits God and says: „God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?“ God says: „No, ask me anything at all.“ So the man says: „God, you've been around for a long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?“God replies: „For me, a thousend years is only five minutes.“ The man says: „That.s interesting, God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?“ God replies: „For me, a million dollars is only five cents.“ The man says: „Really? Well then, God, could you lend me five cents, please?“ God looks at the man, smiles, and says: „Of course, my son. Just wait five minutes!“

Joke 230

A little girl had just finished her first week of scool. "I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me talk!"

Joke 229

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart wich contained, among other things, a screaming baby. The gentleman kept repeading softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream Albert; dont't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert." A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert." The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert.

Joke 228

A teacher to a pupil: "Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present." Pupil: "I walk. You walk..." The teacher interupts him: "Quicker, please." Pupil: "I run. You run ..."

Joke 227

A student comes to a young professor.s officehours, She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean ..." she wispers, "...I would do ...anything. He returns her gaze. "Anything?" - "Anything" - His voice softens "Anything???" - "Absolutely anything" His voice turns into wisper, "Would you ... study?"

Joke 226

A men went to the doctor an said, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over." The doctor asked the man to explain more. The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch, it hurts. The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr. Smith, your finger is broken!"

Joke 225

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street café watching people going and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three people coming out of the house. The physicist: "The measurement wasn.t accurate." The biologist.s conclusion: "They have reproduced." The mathematician: "If exactly one person enters the house now, then it will be empty again." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003

Joke 224

Transcript of an appatently ACTUAL radio conversation: Americans: "Recommend your divert your course 15 degrees to the nort to avoid a collision." Canadiens: "Negativ. You will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I repead, divert YOUR course." Canadiens: "No. I repeat, you divert YOUR course." Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRKRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND-LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY TREE DESTROYERS, TREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I REPEAT, THAT.S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURE WILL BE UNTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP." Canadiens: "This is a lighthouse. Your call!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender2003

Joke 223

Overheard at a computerstore: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of a six-year-old, but it.s got to be simple enough for his father to play, too." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003

Joke 222

A boy asks his father if he can use the car, and the father replies, "No, not until you cut your hair!" The boy replies, "But father ... Jesus had long hair!" To which his father says, "True, but he WALKED everywhere!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender 2003

Joke 221

A man went to his doctor to find out why he had been such severe headaches. The doctor ran some tests and after a few hours called the man into his office. "I have terrible news," he told the patient. "Your condition is terminal." "Oh, no!" the man wailed. "How long do I have?" "Ten..." began the doctor. "Ten what?" the patient interrupted. "Days? Month? Years?" "Nine," said the doctor, "eight, seven, six ..." (Reader's Digest, Nov. 1997 - Contributed by Bob Fajardo) The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangoroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangoroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangoroo still escaped. Question: How will they have to build the fence? ANSWER: Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked. (Reader's Digest, Sept. 1995 - Contributed by Jerry H. Simpson, Jr.) Fishing in a boat one day, two men see a bottle float by. The guy sitting in the back picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A genie appears. "Since you freed me from the bottle," says the genie, "I shall grant you one wish." The guy in front blurts out, "I wish the lake would turn into beer!" Just like that, they are floating on a lake full of beer. "Way to go," the guy in the back says angrily. "Now we have to pee in the boat." (Reader's Digest, August 2003 - submitted by Dustin Godsey)

Joke 220

What would worry you more? Your 14 year old daughter comes home from school saying that her class had a sex-education lesson with a PRESENTATION OR Your 14-year-old daughter comes home from school saying that she had sex TRAINING. from Alexandra Graßler

Joke 219

Sunday was to be the day of Joe's wedding, and he and his father were enjoying a nightcap together. Lifting his glass in a toast to his father, Joe asked: "Any advice before I take the big step, dad?" "Yes", the father said. "Two things. First: insist on having one night out a week with the boys. Second: don't waste it on the boys."

Joke 218

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't concentrate. Though they were married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their lovemaking had become infrequent and essentially joyless. Then, suddenly alarmed, he cried, "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No," said his surprised wife. "Why do you ask?" "No reason, really," he replied with a sigh. "It was just that for one moment there I thought you moved."

Joke 217

Carter had been back from his honeymoon only a week when a friend asked him how he liked married life. "Why, it's nice enough," was his reply. "It's almost like being in love."

Joke 216

The whole thing is ridiculous. You take somebody to lunch, you can't write it off unless you talk business. I took a blonde to lunch the other day. I started to talk business, she slapped me right in the face.

Joke 215

"Blondinenwitz" aus Amerika: A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever!Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My computer keeps saying: YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Joke 214

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 15 Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy. Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk. Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Joke 213

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 14 Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral. Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Joke 212

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 13 Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them. Jehovah‚s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Joke 211

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 12 Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well. Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Joke 210

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 11 Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market. Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days. Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Joke 209

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them. Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Joke 208

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 10 Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Joke 207

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 9 Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them. Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Joke 206

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 8 Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing. Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them. Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their udders on command.

Joke 205

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 6 Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull. Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida. Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Joke 204

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 5 Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them. Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate. Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Joke 203

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 4 Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let‚s make a hockey team, eh? Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Joke 202

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 3 British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad. Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Joke 201

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 2 Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

Joke 200

Capitalism for Dummies - LESSON 1 Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Joke 199

Would you believe it, I used to play at Carnegie Hall ­ till the cops chased me away.

Joke 198

A woman is taking a shower. All of a sudden her doorbell rings. She yells, "Who's there?" He says, "Blind man." Well, she's a charitable lady. She runs out of the shower naked and opens the door. He says, "Where should I put these blinds, lady?"

Joke 197

Question: Two men are in love with me, Murray and George. Who will be the lucky one? Answer: Murray will marry you. George will be the lucky one.

Joke 196

When it comes to gambling, I only gamble for laughs. In fact, last week I laughed away my car.

Joke 195

You meet the craziest people on the subway. One guy sitting next to me kept saying, "Call me a doctor ­ call me a doctor." I asked, "What's the matter, are you sick?" He said, "No, I just graduated from medical school."

Joke 194

What a fight! When the bell rang, I came out of my corner and threw six straight punches in a row. Then the other guy came out of his corner.

Joke 193

In her own eyes, Peggy was the most popular girl in the world. "You know," she told her girlfriend, "A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry." "Really? How many are you going to marry?"

Joke 192

Hoping to avoid the embarrassing attentions that most hotels bestow on newlyweds, the honeymooners carefully removed the rice from their hair, took the "Just Married" sign off their car, and even scuffed their luggage to give it that traveled look. Then, without betrying a trace of their eagerness, they ambled casually into Miami Beach's Fontainebleau Hotel and up to the front desk. where the groom said in a loud, booming voice, "We've reserved a double bed with a room."

Joke 191

Noah Webster's wife, returning from a long trip, discovered the lexicographer "in flagrante delicto" with a pretty chambermaid. "Mr. Webster!" she gasped, "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," said Webster with a reproving smile. "You are shocked; I am surprised."

Joke 190

A ventriloquist with his puppet makes a joke about blond women. Suddenly a feminist stands up and accuses him: You make sexist jokes by promoting chauvinistic and humiliating sterotypes about women, you should feel ashamed! The man is intimdated and wants to beg pardon but the blonde counters: I'm not talking to you but to your friend!

Joke 189

The unabashed dictionary defines adolescence as the age between puberty and adultery.

Joke 188

The convertible glided silently to a stop on a lonely country road. "Out of gas," he said, with a sly smile. "Yes, I thought you might be," said his date, as she opened her big purse and pulled out a rather large bottle. "Say, you are a swinger," he said. "What do you have in there ­ Scotch or Bourbon?" "Gasoline," she replied.

Joke 187

A middle-aged friend of ours says he can't understand all the excitement over the movie version of Lolita. "I didn't see anything in it that could be considered even vaguely sensational," he told us, "and neither did my twelve-year-old wife."

Joke 186

One day in school young Johnny wrote on the blackboard, "Johnny is a passionate devil." The teacher reprimanded him for this act, and made him stay after school for one hour. When he finally left the school that evening, all his friends crowded around him, eager to hear what punishment he had received. "What did she do to you?" asked one little tyke. "I ain't saying nothing," Johnny replied, "except that it pays to advertise."

Joke 185

A guy comes home and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. Hebecomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?" A voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"

Joke 184

A guy in the garment industry has a son who asks him, "Daddy, what kind of a flower is that?" He says, "What am I, a milliner?"

Joke 183

Two guys who work in the garment industry are hunting game in Africa. They hear the growl of an animal behind them. One says, "What kind of an animal is that?" The other says "What am I ­ a furrier?

Joke 182

He's the kind of a guy who drings Brazilian coffee out of an English cup while devouring French pastry, sitting on his Danish furniture after coming home in his German car from seeing an Italian movie, he picks up his Japanese-made ball-point and writes to his american Congressman, demanding that they stop the flow of gold out of this country.

Joke 181

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're not in your own house, that's what it means

Joke 180

A father wants to cheer up his son: Come on boy, smile! These are the most beautiful years of your life. Son: You mean everything is going to get even worse...?!

Joke 179

I live so far out of town in the suburbs, the mailman mails me my letters.

Joke 178

- A guy comes up in divorce court about alimony payments. The judge says, "The Court shall grant this woman 250 dollars a week." The guy says, "That's very nice of you, Judge. I'll pitch in a few dollars myself."

Joke 177

Statistics show that every four seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

Joke 176

The other day I was driving under the influence of my wife. She talks and talks and talks. She gets two thousand words to the gallon.

Joke 175

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today a five-year-old does it.

Joke 174

The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then on the way back from the wedding-ceremony …

Joke 173

My wife used to be a guitar player. She got rid of the guitar and now just picks on me.

Joke 172

Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it is gone.

Joke 171

The automobile of tommorrow will be faster than sound. You'll be in the hospital before you start the motor.

Joke 170

- To give you an idea how difficult my wife can be, she bought me two ties for my birthday. To please her I wore one. She hollered, "What's the matter, don't you like the other one?"

Joke 169

- The traffic was so heavy people were driving bumper to bumper. I pushed in my cigarette lighter and the woman in the car in front of me said, "Ouch!"

Joke 168

The meanest thing you can do to a woman is to lock her in a room with a thousand hats and no mirror.

Joke 167

Everybody's on strike nowadays. We saw a guy carrying a sign with nothing on it. "Who are you picketing against?" I asked. He says, "Nobody. I'm looking for a sponsor."

Joke 166

My new car is so modern you press a button and it presses a button.

Joke 165

There's a new safety device on cars now. if you want to turn right, press a button and a sign lights up that says, "I'm turning right." Press another button and it says, "I'm turning left." There's a special button for women drivers. it says, "I don't know what I'm going to do next."

Joke 164

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Joke 163

What good is happiness? It can't buy you money.

Joke 162

My wife doesn't want to take weight off. She just wants to rearrange it.

Joke 161

I don't have to do this for a living. I can always starve to death.

Joke 160

I miss my wif's cooking ­ as ofter as I can.

Joke 159

A man doesn't know what real happiness is until he's married. Then it's too late.

Joke 158

Las Vegas is the only town in the country where you can have a wonderful time without enjoying yourself.

Joke 157

If you must drink while you're driving home, be sure the radio in the car is turned up loud. That way you won't hear the crash.

Joke 156

She puts that mud on her face before going to bed at night. I say, "Goodnight, Swamp."

Joke 155

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice. "Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Joke 154

I was up at the crack of six this morning. Took a brisk walk to the bathroom and was back in bed at 6:05.

Joke 153

Four drunks looked at her, they took the pledge.

Joke 152

An elderly man was visiting his doctor for a check-up. The doctor said, "Mr. Jones, you're sound as a dollar. You'll live to be eighty." "But I am eighty," Mr. Jones says. "See, what did I tell you?"

Joke 151

There was a mix-up at the swank Fifth Avenue florist shop. Wrong cards were attached to two imposing floral wreaths. The one that went to a druggist moving to a new building read: "Deepest sympathy." The one intended for the funeral of a leading banker read: "Good luck in your new location."

Joke 150

The Farm Hand A successful farmer died and left everything to his devoted Wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the farm than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing very well. Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." He agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties. By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you are fired on the spot." 

Joke 149

We got a new foreign car with the motor in the back. Pulled up in front of the Sherman hotel and the bellboy opened up the back of the car. Before I knew it, the motor was up in the room.

Joke 148

George is a worker at the lumbermill. One day, while pushing a tree through the buzzsaw he accidentally cuts off all ten of his fingers. He runs to the emergency room. The doctor says, "My goodness! Well, give me your fingers, and I will see what I can do for you." "I don't have the fingers" George answers. "What do you mean, you don't have the fingers? We're in the third millennium and we have microsurgery and lots of other incredible techniques. I could put them back on and make your hands like new. So, why didn't you bring your fingers?" George replies, "You see, Doc, I couldn't pick them up." Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 147

A big corporation sent their best managers to a very expensive seminar. They were to learn to find solutions for problems even in very unusual circumstances. On the second day some of them had to measure the height of a flag pole. So they got themselves a ladder and a tape measure. Since the ladder was too short they fetched a table to put the ladder on. That didn't do it, so they also got a chair, that they put on the table and the ladder on top of the chair. However, the contraption kept falling over again and again. Everybody was talking at the same time, bringing forward different suggestions. Then a woman walks by, looking at all that chaos. Without a word she pulls the flag pole out of the ground, lays it down, grabs the tape measure, measures the pole from one end to the other, jots the result down on a piece of paper and hands it to one of the managers. As soon as she has disappeared around the corner one manager says, "Typical woman. We have to measure the pole's HEIGHT and she measures its LENGTH. That's why we don't allow women in our management." Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 146

You know the world is going crazy when --- the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war. Einsender: Detlev Tesch

Joke 145

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for many years. His doctor was able to fit him with a set of hearing aids and thus he was able to hear 100% again. Several weeks after that the elderly gentleman went to see his doctor again and was told, "Your hearing is just perfect now. All of your family must be very pleased." "Oh, I have not told my family about it, yet." The gentleman answered. "I simply sit around and listen to them talking. I've changed my will three times by now."

Joke 144

My car is so worn out, every time I have to go down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take a cab.

Joke 143

Before that he worked in a winery, stepping on grapes. He got fired one day when they caught him sitting down on the job.

Joke 142

Funny Thoughts (by George Carlin) "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: 'Where's the self-help section?' She said: "If I were to tell you that, it would defeat the purpose."

Joke 141

Quick Wit: You are OLD", when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love." and you answer: "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Joke 140

My wife has a nice even disposition. Miserable all the time.

Joke 139

One thing I will say, she's very neat around the house. If I drop ashes on the floor, she's right there to pick them up. I throw my clothes down, she hangs them up immediately. I got up at three the other morning, went in the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice, I came back, I found the bed made.

Joke 138

I just solved the parking problem. I bought a parked car. Things are rough. People are worried. I saw a man lying in the gutter, I walked up and said, "Are you sick? Can I help you?" He said, "No, I found a parking space, I sent my wife out to buy a car."

Joke 137

A few weeks ago a doctor friend of mine had trouble with his plumbing. The pipes in his bathroom began to leak. The leak became bigger and bigger. Even though it was 2:00 A.M., the doctor decided to phone his plumber. Naturally, the plumber got sore being awakened at that hour of the morning. "For Pet's sake, Doc," he wailed, "this is some time to wake a guy." "Well," the doctor answered testily, "you're never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night with a medical problem. Now it just happens I've got a plumbing emergency." There was a moment's silence. Then the plumber spoke up. "Right you are, Doc," he agreed. "Tell me what's wrong." The Doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom. "Tell you what to do," the plumber offered. "Take two aspirins every four hours, drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn't cleared up by morning, phone me at the office."

Joke 136

I called down to the desk. I said, "Is this room service?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Send up a room."

Joke 135

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“ „Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.“

Joke 134

At the age of 90 Bob Hope had changed his major hobby, instead of golf he then preferred painting. Do you know shy? - No. Tell me. - Less strokes!

Joke 133

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, insearch of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeksin and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims,"Oh, boy, horse ride! Horse ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back? "Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy!! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!!!"

Joke 132

My car is so worn out, every time I have to go down to the finance company to make a payment on it, I have to take a cab.

Joke 131

I've got a brother-in-law who's a real character. An elderly man, still chases women, but forgets what for.

Joke 130

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

Joke 129

I wish he would learn a trade so we'd know what kind of work he was out of.

Joke 128

All you married men, wan to drive your wives crazy? When you go home, don't talk in your sleep ­ just grin.

Joke 127

My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice. Then the mud fell off.

Joke 126

The cutest little girl was giving me a manicure. I said, "How's about a date later?" She said. "I'm married." I said, "So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girl friend." She said, "Tell him yourself ­ he's shaving you."

Joke 125

One guy said to his wife, "On TV 9 saw an amazing device that sews buttons right on clothes." His wife said, "That's wonderful. What is it?" And the guy said, "A needle and thread."

Joke 124

My wife should have been a lawyer. Every time we have an argument and she feels she's losing, she takes it to the higher court ­ her mother.

Joke 123

The way she looks in the morning! She ran after the garbage man and said, "Am I too late for the garbage?" He said, "No, jump in."

Joke 122

I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your house." Last week she sold it.

Joke 121

I've been married for thirty-four years and I'm still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

Joke 120

You know what's embarrassing? When you look through a keyhole and you see another eye.

Joke 119

In Las Vegas, a man walked up to his wife and said, "Give me the money I told you not to give me."

Joke 118

An art theatre: that's a place where the theatre is clean, the picture are filthy.

Joke 117

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, "Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside."

Joke 116

Can she talk! She was in Miami, and when she got home, her tongue was sunburned. She missed her nap today. She slept right through it.

Joke 115

A man went to Las Vegas with a $ 7,000 Cadillac and came home with a $ 75,000 bus.

Joke 114

Here's my life story. I came from a very poor family. They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had me.

Joke 113

Walked into a store and said, "This is my wife's birthday. I'd like to buy her a beautiful fountain pen." The clerk winked at me and said, "A little surprise, huh?" I said, "Yes, she's expecting a Cadillac."

Joke 112

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Joke 111

I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. One dealer took a look at it and offered me a ball-point pen.

Joke 110

I bought a suit that comes from London. It was brought here and sold to a wholesaler. The wholesaler sold it to a retailer and the retailer sold it to me. To think all those people are making a living out of something I haven't paid for.

Joke 109

How much does a femal brain cost? In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news", he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said," It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Joke 108

A rugged Texan, dripping with oil and Cadillacs, walked into an exclusive art gallery in New York with his nagging wife. In fifteen minutes flat the Texan bought six Picassos, three Renoirs, ten Cézanes, and thirty Utrillos. He then turned to his wife and with a sigh of relief said. "There, honey chile, that takes care of the Christmas cards. Now let's get started on the serious shopping."

Joke 107

A man in a supermarket - he seems utterly overwhelmed and lost ... he is so very worried and absentminded that he bumps right into another man who is behaving just like he is. The first man says, "I'm sorry. I'm quite distracted ... I'm looking for my wife." The second man answers, "Outch! Well, I'm looking for my wife, too. What does yours look like?" "Her name is Susie. A gorgeous blonde, about 1m75 tall, her hair is shoulder length and her black lace bra is well filled .. and her smile is a little naughty. What does your wife look like?" "Oh, forget about mine! Let's look for yours...!"

Joke 106

Now to do this you must go to diction school. They teach you how to speak clearly. To do this they fill your mouth with marbles and you're supposed to talk clearly right through the marbles. Now every day you lose one marble. When you've lost all your marbles …

Joke 105

Expensive hotel: Finally got a room and bath for thirty dollars a day. I didn't go to the beach once. I just stayed in my room and watched it.

Joke 104

Fellow bought a mouse-trap for his cellar. When he went to set it, he found that he had forgotten to buy cheese, so he cut a piece of cheese from a magazine and placed this in the trap. Surprisingly enough this worked. When he went down the next morning, he found in the trap ­ a picture of a mouse.

Joke 103

I say a drunk walk up to a parking meter and put in a dime. The dial went to 60. He said, "How do you like that. I weigh on hour." HU'S ON FIRST (We take you now to the Oval Office with Condoleeza Rice & George Bush...) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East! Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N.? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too...maybe we should send some to the guy in China! And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Joke 102

They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together. They have a new thing nowadays called Nicotine Anonymous. It's for people who want to stop smoking. When you feel a craving for a cigarette, you simply call up another member and he comes over and you get drunk together.

Joke 101

Some people ask, how do you become a comedian? Well, to become a comedian, you tell your friends a lot of jokes, you get them all together, you keep the good ones, before you know it you're a riot at a party. Somebody says, "You ought to go on the stage." Like an idiot, you believe them.

Joke 100

Did you hear about the rich kid from Dallas who walked up to Santa Claus and said, "Santa, what do you need?"

Joke 99

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Joke 98

Want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a wire saying, "Ignore first wire." Another way to drive a guy crazy: Send him a telegram and on top put "Page 2".

Joke 97

Some man lost a lot of money in Las Vegas. He's fed up, he's disgusted, he's driving out of town. From out of the mountains he hears a voice saying, "Go back to Las Vegas, go back to Las Vegas." He figures this is a good omen, he drives back to Las Vegas at eighty miles an hour. He gets back to Las Vegas, the voice says, "Go into the Sands Hotel to gamble this time." So he goes into the Sands Hotel. The voice says, "Play roulette, put $ 2,000 on Number 8." He does that. Number 6 comes up. He loses. The voice says, "How about that!"

Joke 96

I was in the lobby of the Sherman Hotel and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I said, "What do you want?" He said, "I want a match." I said, "Why don't you ask for it?" He said, "I don't talk to strangers."

Joke 95

My mother tells the joke about two little old ladies meeting. One says to the other, "What did you do to your hair? It looks awful ­ it looks like a wig." She says. "It is a wig." The other woman says, "You know, you could never tell."

Joke 94

A couple in Hollywood got divorced. Then they got remarried. The divorce didn't work out. A rich guy in Dallas bought his kid a chemistry outfit ­ du Pont.

Joke 93

When a woman puts on a dinner dress, it doesn't necessarily mean she's going to dinner. And when she dons a cocktail dress, it doesn't mean necessarily that she's going to a cocktail party. But when she puts on a wedding dress, you know she means business.

Joke 92

When I was a kid I had no watch. I used to tell time by my violin. I used to practice in the middle of the night and the neighbors yould yell, "Fine time to praktice violin, three o'clock in the morning!"

Joke 91

An actress in Hollywood got divorced, she took her four kids with her. There was an actor out there who got divorced, and the took his four kids with him. Then they met, they fell in love, they got married and had four kids of their own. One day she looked out the window, she said, "Darling, your kids and my kids are beating the heck out of our kids!"

Joke 90

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French and even the waiter was surprised. It was a Chinese restaurant.

Joke 89

A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said no. He said, "Stick 'em up!" Another fellow walked up to me and said, "Stick 'em down." I said, "You mean stick'em up." He said, "No wonder I haven't made any money."

Joke 88

A father was explaining ethics to his son who was about to go into business: "Supposing a woman comes in and orders $ 100 worth of material. You wrap it up and give it to her. She pays you with a $ 100 bill. As she goes out the door, you realize she has given you two $ 100 bills. Here's where the ethics some in. Should you or shouldn't you tell your partner?"

Joke 87

My arm started to hurt me. I said, "Doctor, examine my arm." He looked at my arm, he brought out a medical book and studied it for fifteen minutes. He said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, you got it again."

Joke 86

A young co-worker asks Humphrey the secret of his long marriage. Humphrey: „We take time to go to a restaurant twice a week; a little candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. Mary goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.“

Joke 85

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a glass of whiskey. The bartender answers, „Sorry, we don't serve food.“

Joke 84

A man was invited for dinner at a friends house. Everytime the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife ba calling her, „My Love,“„Darling,“ „Sweetheart,“ etc., etc. While she was getting the desert his friend looked at him and said, „That's really very nice after all the years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names.“ „Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.“

Joke 83

Questions 1: If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2: How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How many months have 28 days?(THINK this is a lil' too much!) 4. How far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers? Scroll down for the answers ... ANSWERS: 1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One (spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside.

Joke 82

MY WIFE WENT TO THE BEAUTY SHOP AND GOT A MUD PACK. FOR TWO DAYS SHE LOOKED NICE. THEN THE MUD FELL OFF.

Joke 81

She puts that cold cream on at night an inch thick, and she puts those curlers in her hair, then she puts a fishing net over the whole thing. She said: „Kiss me.„ I said: „Take me to your leader.„

Joke 80

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and when the comely waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie." She slaps his face and says, "Now would you please give me your order? Again he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man; "I think it's pronounced quiche."

Joke 79

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

Joke 78

A swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. " Excusez-moi, parlez-vous francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan usted espanol?" Still nothing The swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishmen turns to the second and says; "Y'ou know, maybe we should learn a foreign language ..." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 77

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: .Compliment her .cuddle her .kiss her .caress her .love her .stroke her .tease her .comfort her .protect her .hug her .hold her .spend money on her .wine & dine her .buy things for her .listen to her .care for her .stand by her .support her .go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: .Show up naked. .Bring beer.

Joke 76

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Joke 75

"HAVE YOU TRIED TAI CHI?" "NO, I DON'T LIKE SPICY FOOD."

Joke 74

"I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just spots."

Joke 73

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 72

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes again, marching to the mailbox, opening it and slamming it even harder than ever! Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" My computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Joke 71

The Saga of Hotel Soap The following letters were taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of it's guests. The Hotel submitted the letters to the London Sunday Times for their humor column. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in mybathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chestand another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicinecabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placedinside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars onthe bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and5PM.Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do youre alize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing soI personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I leftin your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4and 1 stack of 2. - On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2. - In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacksare neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman Copyright: Shelly Berman "A Hotel Is a Place"S. Berman

Joke 70

Taxiing down the tarmac, a plane abruptly stopped, turned aroundd and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the filigt attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "So it took an hour to fix the problem?" the passenger aasked. "No," he replied, "It took us an hour to find another pilot." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 69

An old couple was sitting on the veranda as they had for many years. "I was just thinking", said the old lady, "we've haaad a great life togehther, but sooner or later, one of us will pass away." "Yes, but don't worry about that now," said her husband. "Well, I was just thinking, when it happens, I think I'd like to go to Scotland." Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 68

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Joke 67

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack) "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Joke 66

A wife comes running home from the store and into the house screaming at the top of her lunga, „Pack, pack! I won the lottery!“ The husband, all exicited, runs up to her and says, „Pack? Where are we going? The islands? The mountains? Pack for where?“ The wife replies, „I don't give a damn. Just pack and GET OUT!“Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 65

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke 64

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended. God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!" "Very well, then," says God, "let us see how Jesus fared." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters, "But how?! How did he do that?!" God chuckles, "Jesus Saves!"

Joke 63

A car was involved in accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A new paper reporter, anxios to get his story, could not get near the car. Beeing a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, „Let me throug! Let me trough! I am the son of the victim.“ The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey. Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 62

Little Debbie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!" "That's great, Sweetheart," said her Daddy. "Come in the living room and tell me about it." "Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science..."

Joke 61

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds:"I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded "two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Joke 60

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the student body: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $500. Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $1000. A third time will cost you $2000. Any questions?" A male voice: "How much for a season pass?"

Joke 59

Three kids are playing in the street and get hit by a garbage truck. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die - you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be." The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "I want to be an attorney." And so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Supreme Court. The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "I want to be a brain surgeon." And so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives. The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "....clumsy bastard.." And so, 20 years later................. he's still playing left back for England...

Joke 58

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!" Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 57

God brings Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates into his office and says "Men, I've decided to bring the world to an end this Thursday -- I want you to go back and tell your people." Upon his return, Clinton holds a press conference and says "People of America, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that all these years we've been saying 'one nation under God' we've been right -- there is a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Yeltsin makes an announcement to the Russian people and says "Brave comrades, I have bad news and bad news. The first bad news is that we've been wrong all these years -- there really is a God. The other bad news is that he is destroying the world on Thursday." Bill Gates calls a board meeting of Microsoft. "I have good news and more good news!" he tells them. "The first good news is that God called a meeting of the three people he thinks are the most important in the world and I was one of them. The other good news that that OS/2 stops shipping Thursday.

Joke 56

This joke was sent to us by Mr. Michael Schwanhäuser of the insider-bookstore. Thanks :-) A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Joke 55

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivides attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep . Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 54

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Joke 53

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only a kiss per meter," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten meters." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Joke 52

Jesus and Joseph Jesus is walking around heaven, feeling nostalgic for his earthly life and family. He decides to look for Joseph to catch up on old times. He sees an old man and goes up to him. Jesus: "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father." Old Man: "What a coincidence. I'm looking for my son." Jesus: "Well, my father wasn't really my biological father, but he loved me like a son anyway." Old Man: "What a coincidence! My son wasn't my real son, either, but I loved him as my own." Jesus: "Well, my father was a carpenter." Old Man: "What a coincidence! I was a carpenter, too!" Jesus: "Wow! Well, when I was a child, I left home for a long time, and when I finally came back, I experienced a magical transformation and became something completely different from what I'd been before." Old Man: "Wow! The same thing happened to my son!" Jesus: "Father!" Old Man: "Pinocchio!"

Joke 51

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Joke 50

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, „Does your dog bite?“„No,“ replied the boy. Just then the hug dog bit the mailman. The man yelled, „I thought your dog doesn't bite!“ „He doesn't“ replied the boy, „That's not my dog!“ Copyright Langenscheidts Sprachkalender (vergriffen)

Joke 49

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Certainly, just a second."

Joke 48

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . .had to be a girl! We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

Joke 47

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas at Microsoft when the first bug appeared, my manager said to me see if it happens again. when the second bug appeared, my manager said to me ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the third bug appeared, my manager said to me try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fourth bug appeared, my manager said to me use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the fifth bug appeared, my manager said to me ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the sixth bug appeared, my manager said to me reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the seventh bug appeared, my manager said to me say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eighth bug appeared, my manager said to me find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the ninth bug appeared, my manager said to me blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the tenth bug appeared, my manager said to me change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the eleventh bug appeared, my manager said to me say its not supported, change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again. when the twelfth bug appeared, my manager said to me tell them its a feature of Microsoft, say its not supported, change the documentation, blame it on the hardware, find a way around it, say they need an upgrade, reinstall the software, ask for a dump, use a debugger, try to reproduce it, ask them how they did it, see if it happens again.

Joke 46

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Joke 45

This is the "hairy story": What happened to me this Easter.... I was driving along a highway and saw a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. Sensitive man as well as an animal lover, I pull over and get out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to my dismay, the rabbit is dead. I feel so awful that I begin to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees me crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks me what's wrong. "I feel terrible," I explain, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of us and hops off down the road. One meter away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another meter, turns and waves, hops another meter, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. I was astonished. I turn to woman and demand, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that I can read the label. It says -and you won't believe this: (Are you ready for this?) (Are you sure?) (This is bad!) (You know you could just click off and not read the punch line) (You know you're gonna be sorry) (Last chance) (OK, here it is) It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Joke 44

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Joke 43

A priest is walking down the road when he sees one of his parishoners walking the other way. His arm is in a sling, his head in bandages and he's on crutches with his leg in plaster. The priest cries out: "Mick! Mick! Lord, Mick, what have you been doing? Oh, Mick, you have been foightin' Mick! Mick, foightin' is an evil ting Mick...an evil ting! Oh, have mercy Lord, Mick has been foightin'." Mick stands and says nothing. "Tell, me Mick, who did this to ya? Who did this evil ting to ya Mick?"Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy, father" "Paddy Murphy! Oh Mick, Paddy Murphy is an evil man, Mick! He is a heethen Mick, heethen I tell ya! Oh, Mick, no, not Paddy Murphy, Mick!" Mick says, "He was holdin' a beeseball bat, Father." "A beeseball bat! My God, Mick! Tell me Mick, what were you holdin'?" Mick replies, "Paddy Murphy's wife."

Joke 42

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!" " No way!" " Yes WAY!" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did Not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Joke 41

My wife came home from work the other day and told me that her car was making funny noises. Of couse she asked me to look at it. Wanting to do my part in helping her become an indepedent woman, I suggested that she find the problem herself or take it to a mechanic.(actually I wouldn't know a spark plug from a air filter) So she scowls at me and huffs and puffs out the door. When she returned, I asked in my best concerned voice, "Everything okay with your car now dear?" "Yes...but no thanks to you"! she replied. "I was worried that the mechanic might try to rip me off." "But I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."

Joke 40

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?!" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Joke 39

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Joke 38

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!" "Really?," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Joke 37

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of patients to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed. The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around. Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that everything was just fine until someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

Joke 36

A jet-set Lebanese parked his brand-new BMW in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The Lebanese immediately grabbed his cell phone,dialed the police, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions,the Lebanese started screaming hysterically as some of his office colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW,which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the Lebanese finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the policeman shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you Lebanese are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the Lebanese. The policeman replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Oh My God!" screamed the Lebanese. "Where's my Rolex watch?"

Joke 35

My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Joke 34

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. er.. no.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Joke 33

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

Joke 32

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don`t do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make shure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don`t burden him with chores. Don`t discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife,"What did the doctor say to you?" "You`re going to die."

Joke 31

What's Happening The Master of the house is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library, reading a newspaper. Suddenly, John, his butler rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is flooding the streets!" The master looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I have already told you. If you do have something important to tell me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so". John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after, the Master hears a knock on the door. "Yes?" John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir, the Thames".

Joke 30

If you could imagine this, two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept, and what landed outside the circle God kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw ALL the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!"

Joke 29

A budding artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display in his art gallery. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman did inquire about your work and wondered if the paintings would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings!" "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "So what's the bad news?"..."The guy was your doctor."

Joke 28

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Joke 27

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some really good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we are stuck here for some time." "The really good news is that this not United Airlines!"

Joke 26

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu.. Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

Joke 25

A plane was taking off from the airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. ... OH MY GOD... DAMN!!!!!" Silence. gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" "That's nothing," said a passenger in coach. "He should see the back of mine!"

Joke 24

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Joke 23

The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use? The situation: lets say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.you can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So,........ here's the dilemma, and think carefully before you answer the question below. Which lens would you use?

Joke 22

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," said the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Joke 21

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. "So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest." "That's impossible Doc! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said. "Exactly" replied the his Doctor

Joke 20

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.he monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?"The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?"The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.The monkey shakes his head "Yes.""Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

Joke 19

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then said, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Joke 18

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal." Muldoon said, "I`ll go right now.Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? - Why didn`t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

Joke 17

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke he , tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. Bring beer.

Joke 16

God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!"

Joke 15

Fresh out of college, a blonde began her new job as an elementary school counselor. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the rest of the kids played soccer. She asked if he was all right and the boy said he was fine. a little while later she approached him again. „Would you like me to be your friend?“ she asked. The boy hesitated then said, „OK.“ Feeling that she was making progress, she then asked, „Why are you standing all alone?“„Because,“ the boy said, „I'm the goalie.“

Joke 14

After the honeymoon A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, so -- how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? "WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, iron,Cook...

Joke 13

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A: E.T. phoned home.

Joke 12

Wedding night Not Miss A Thing A honeymoon couple book into the hotel. The lady has a shower, puts on French perfume, a see through negligee and lays on the bed all seductive. The man, in his cotton pajamas (plus white tie cord) stands at the window looking out at the sky. "Come to bed dear" she coos seductively. "Not tonight dear" he replies, "my mum said that this would be the best night of my life and I don't want to miss anything".

Joke 11

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

Joke 10

God Wants A Vacation God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!“

Joke 9

Senior Driver As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Joke 8

Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Joke 7

Burglar & Jesus Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: " Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. he was frightened. Frantically , he looked around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Joke 6

The Joys of Yiddish The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."

Joke 5

Pope and fishing Priests A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!" Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what language!" Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it." Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!" Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!" The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright."

Joke 4

All things are relative A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.God replied,"A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly, just a second."

Joke 3

Q: What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common? A: Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them.

Joke 2

Pepsi and Coke An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their...ah, err, 'things' ??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Joke 1

Where is God ? In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble." The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."